To Love and Be Loved

Benedicamus Domino!

To love and to be loved are two of the things which most of us count as being truly fulfilling, I think. Whether we have the perfect job or the perfect house, this tends to be less important than developing loving relationships in life. This may not be true for all people, but I'd say that in my experience, the vast majority of people really do seek something lasting and meaningful in their lives which involves other people. By 'love,' I mean any kind of love: platonic, romantic, filial or spiritual.

So, why do so many of us feel alone and isolated from this magical thing called love? What is it that blocks our way to this fulfillment? First, I really believe that our western culture has gotten things grossly incorrect in its current definition of love. It states that love should be unconditional, which is technically correct, but it also seems to state that love is all about the receiving and not so much about the giving. It states that we ought to 'love ourselves,' which tends to amount to telling ourselves exactly what we want to hear. It is even beginning to state, however slow these beginnings are, that intimate/romantic human love should be the most complete thing we could ask for, so that if one partner doesn't fulfill us, we should go and find others that will.

Love is a very special thing, but it is not a noun, but rather a verb. It is a continual giving and receiving, and human love is not necessarily about total and complete fulfillment. I believe that there should be a very deep communion available to two intimate partners, but to expect another person to be your all-in-all is really quite unfair to the other person. By the same token, I feel that to create a complete experience of love by having relationships with more than one person is, well, sort of like trying to eat everything at a buffet. You end up sampling rather than savouring.

So then, what is love? Love is hard freaking work! Love is sticking by someone even if you can't support the choices they've made. Love is about the person, not about their actions. Love is having the courage to tell the other person something that you know they do not want to hear and that might make them angry with you. Love is sacrifice and love is sympathy. Love, sometimes, is even leaving. Sometimes it's necessary for a loving person to leave someone's life in order for that someone to learn to stand on their own. Love, in short, is not so much about possessive fulfillment, but it is about acknowledging a bond between yourself and another person through good times and through bad, through hot times and through cold.

I have been speaking here about human love. We are called by God to love our neighbour. What does this mean? It means that we are to be charitable to anyone we meet around us, and though this may begin with deeds, it should eventually progress to thoughts and attitude. We all have biases and prejudices, but these are usually the result of fear or misunderstanding. If we really see everyone around us as unique persons, and this can take a lot of work, then we will be able to love them just as we would ourselves.

So why do we feel incomplete, if it's not up to others to fulfill our deepest desires? Where do we turn if the popular idea of a 'soulmate' is not to be the answer to all our needs? That is a subject, I think, for another discussion. Till then!

Deo Gratias!