Benedicamus Domino!
A year and a half ago, or as near to that as makes no matter, I began this blog for a number of reasons, the first of which was that I was seeking clarity in direction for my life. I was seeking to live authentically, in a way that was both true to myself--my deep self I mean as opposed to my mere ego--and was also true to whatever might be God's will for me. I have occupied myself with that last 'whatever' likely far too often of late, but a part of this occupation was an earnest (I hope) prayer and wish for clarity where I felt there was only confusion. Accordingly, I embarked upon a journey, which although it did not unfold with the method I originally intended, did unfold many budding branches which have, I am now pleased to say, borne much fruit. I focused on my body, my mind and my spirit, and again, though many of the intended pathways I set out to explore have remained largely untrodden, there have been some upon which I have made good headway, one of which was to reconnect with many friends whose society I had let drop away from my life for the very simple but rather paralyzing reason that I thought they would not find me very interesting or might not find my society agreeable. I had no actual basis for this assertion, but I lived by it for some time, and only when I began this journey toward joy did I realize that it was crushing me under its vast and demoralizing weight and that this was a burden which I had constructed for myself, and which, therefore, I could of course destroy.
This act of demolition was a cry against the darkness, a candle in the rain, as it were. I wished to know if joy was truly possible, if truly eucharistic living could happen. I have realized now that it can and does happen in many people's lives. Does it truly happen in mine? Well, that's a question better left alone by me, for I am the worst person to answer it objectively. However, what I can say is that after this year-and-a-half's journey, the shadow has departed. The darkness has gone, and what I know now is that even though it may come again, it will not claim me this time. It will not bow me under its weight so that I feel that I cannot rise. I have found the clarity for which I have sought, and it is a glorious thing to contemplate.
Almost a year ago, I took a chance and put myself out there, connecting with the man who would later become my beloved. This in itself was a milestone, for I had not truly entered into a long-term relationship for many years and indeed, I felt myself unfit for it. I thought that I was broken, unable to allow myself to be loved, with nothing to give, for it had all been drowned in tears and regret, in fear of loss and in loneliness. However, Michael being who he is, he showed himself to me and basically made me reach out to him. He didn't force me, you understand, but merely by being who he is, he tapped the fountain of love which still lay buried in my stone-enclosed heart. He made me risk again! He made me feel like a girl again! He made me dream of a future which need not be circumscribed by a wall of loneliness, even despite my still-hermitish tendencies! In short, he was the medicine which God provided to begin the healing of my broken and bruised spirit, and now, now a new step has been taken!
As of last night, I am now a betrothed woman! Michael proposed that we share our lives in marriage, and I accepted him with a glad and a certain heart! I believe that God has answered my prayer for clarity, because time was that I was actually afraid of the idea of marriage! I felt that I would necessarily have to become less than I was as a single person. I thought that I could never find a man who could put up with me, who might find me interesting, who, in short, might be able to trust me enough to put his life in my hands and who would be able to accept mine in tturn. I suppose I felt that I had too much baggage for anyone ever to want to trust me. I had little confidence in myself and even less in my fellow-beings in this consumer-culture!
However, as last night proved, I do have much to offer and even more to receive from the man who is now my betrothed! I will approach this chapter of my life with the same attitude with which I have tried to approach all of my life, with an openness to new things and yes, even a kind of idealism which I used to hold but which, I hope, has been somewhat tempered by time and experience into a wiser and more mellow thing, a strength which will not snap at the least misfortune. I hope, in short, that it has begun the process of being transformed from fragile alabaster to a thing of adamantine strength and purity. For this is what marriage is all about in my view. Two people agree to come together. They are not perfected people. They are not even necessarily good or virtuous. However, they are courageous. They agree to come together and to build a life together, leaning on each other for support and yielding each of their wills to the other's true happiness. This is not the exercise of two egos satisfying each other, or it ought not to be. It is, rather, the process of moving beyond the ego to the true will, moving beyond mere romantic love to truly deifying and sanctifying love. It is a pathway to salvation which is not easy, but which can be very rewarding if it is approached sincerely and with a truly joyful and grateful heart on the part of its participants. This is what I think we both intend to do, and as this first joyful day of my betrothal to my beloved moves onward, I reflect that while the journey is not over, the need for this blog is not so pressing as it may have been some months ago. Accordingly, this will be the last post in this blog, and its web domain will cease to function in some few days. I may keep the Blogger address active for a while, but I am sure that before long, I will delete it. Will I start another blog? I don't know. Perhaps I have written too much. Perhaps I have lived too long in my head and now it's time to dismantle my ivory tower of words. However, nothing will be done until I have thoroughly revisited this blog in its entirety to see exactly how it has evolved and exactly whether I wish to keep any record of my personal reflections about life, God, myself and everything. The point is that my journey toward joy is still in its infancy, but the path is clearer than it has ever been before. No longer do I need to whistle in the dark, to scream my words to the world because I have no idea where I'm going. I know the path that I have been set, and I intend to travel it with Michael at my side! May God bless our steps and may He carry us when we stumble. May we always stand with each other as comrades-in-arms and may we have Christ to call us onward and to continue to show us the path we must tread! May we wake and sleep in love, and may we never let the sun set upon our anger! May we, in short, never be afraid to start over when we fall, and may we always lend each other a helping hand to rise again! May God who has begun this bring it to perfection!
Deo Gratias!
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