The Changing of the Years

Benedicamus Domino!

It was seven years ago today that I stood in church and professed myself willing to unite myself to Christ. Seven years ago, I was made a catechumen of the Orthodox Church. Today, under the auspices of St. Zoe and St. Martinian the Anchorite, the Christian journey was made real for me in a way it had never been before. This was my first formal declaration in front of other people that I wanted to be a Christian. Before this, I had certainly called myself a Christian, but I had made no formal vows or declarations of the same. Even when I thought with all my heart that I wanted to become a Roman Catholic, when push finally came to shove and I could have converted, I never put the plan into action. I was content, or so I thought, to remain in my little bubble of Sara-brand Christianity. Heck! I didn't even go to church once I left high school! There was no grounding in reality, no support from others on a regular basis, no parish to call my own, nothing. Was it any wonder that in the end I found myself wandering in a sea of confusion and setting Christ aside?

I believe that any faith needs this kind of conscious intentional step, this kind of actual putting of a toe upon its path. Indeed, any event in life needs this kind of celebration, this kind of firm acknowledgement that it is real! I think we as a society have largely lost this tendency toward rites of passage and such.

As for my becoming a catechumen, I remember that I had been very ill about two weeks before and was still suffering from a nasty cough. It took all my efforts to pronounce the vows and such that I was asked to make. Still, when all was done, I knew I had done what must be done. I knew that this step was the formal step I had always denied myself, and I knew without a doubt that Baptism would surely follow as night follows day. I knew, without even knowing the ins and outs of the faith I was joining, that it was the truth. I knew it on a level which cannot be put into words. I knew it as surely as one knows the person whom one is destined to marry. It was beautiful!

I took a name then, a name which I thought I would be Baptized with but which, in the end, I decided not to take in Baptism. Still, I think of it as one of my names and I still celebrate that saint as one of my patrons. She is St. Melangell of Wales, and I believe that it was by her prayers that I found Christ again, for her story and her example often came to me out of the blue when I was feeling spiritually dry and watered my heart with gentle rain, so that when I finally decided to follow Christ, I felt it only right and necessary to take her name as my banner and her as an elder. The mere fact that she and I were on different levels of existence was not a barrier for me. Recently, I celebrated one of her feast-days by singing an Akathist (a service of prayers and hymns) to her which a friend who became my Baptismal Sponsor gave to me on the day I was made a catechumen. I read it on the bus traveling to church and it, as much as anything, proved to me that I was on the right track. Its every line seemed redolent of Heaven and also of earth. It pointed to what was for me a new understanding of what Christianity was, and it did so with simple beauty and the sort of imagery which could not help but sing to my very soul. I don't use that Akathist very often anymore, and I think this should be rectified. However, I think I'd like to reproduce it here. It's very beautiful and Melangell is just a really wonderful woman to have as a spiritual ancestor and a patron saint. So, here's the Akathist. (Oh, and the word "Akathist" in Greek means the "not-sitting-down-service." I rather like that it's named after how one conducts oneself rather than after the poetic forms used.)

AKATHIST TO OUR VENERABLE MOTHER MELANGELL

Kontakion 1

To thee our patient intercessor and watchful guardian,
We thy lambs who flee for refuge beneath thy protecting mantle,
Offer thee our hymns of thanksgiving and devotion,
For as thy divinely-bestowed authority doth ever disperse evil,
Do thou foil the darts of our pursuing enemy,
And teach us by thy meekness that we may cry to thee:
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Ekos 1

A thousand angels sing thy praises O Melangell, for having beheld thy solitary struggle for love of God, thy striving after the virtues and thy victory over Satan; they welcomed thee into the habitations of the righteous, chanting to thee such things as these:
Rejoice, dove of the wilderness!
Rejoice, sparrow cherished in the hand of the Heavenly Father!
Rejoice, lily arrayed in unfading glory!
Rejoice, rose of ineffable sweetness!
Rejoice, beloved dwelling of the Lord of Hosts!
Rejoice, thou who eternally abidest in His courts!
Rejoice, tree planted by streams of living water!
Rejoice, tender olive branch of hope!
Rejoice, meek lamb, hearkening only to the Shepherd's voice!
Rejoice, thou shepherdess, ever tending His flock!
Rejoice, thou who art sheltered by the wings of the Most High!
Rejoice, thou who liftest our eyes to whence cometh our help!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 2

Knowing thee to be a gift at thy birth, O thou in whom the Pearl of Great Price hath found a home, thy kindred rejoiced, seeing in thee the forbear of comely generations, and they sang: Alleluia!

Ekos 2

Wishing to procure for thee a life worthy of thy lineage and beauty, thy pious mother Eithni sought to espouse thee to a great and generous chieftain of thy people. But the ways of the Heavenly Bridegroom are higher than our ways, and we can but render thanks to His Providence:
Rejoice, fair adornment of thy people!
Rejoice, treasure of thy godly mother!
Rejoice, eternal heirloom of Ireland!
Rejoice, emerald beyond all price!
Rejoice, pearl in the divine diadem!
Rejoice, golden chalice finely-wrought!
Rejoice, dowry bequeathed to the Church universal!
Rejoice, precious stone enduring through the ages!
Rejoice, luminous brooch, adorn our hearts with repentance!
Rejoice, divine crown, raise our minds on high!
Rejoice, our inheritance, may we store up incorruptible treasure!
Rejoice, that we may seek first the Kingdom of God!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 3

Compelled by love for the Most High, stronger than all earthly attachments, O thou who didst daily pay thy vows, thou forsookest the bosom of thy family, beginning thy journey to the sweet spiritual meadows, praying: Alleluia!

Ekos 3

Crossing the water and arriving upon shores fertile as the Egyptian deserts in faith, the saint hastened to Pennant, her divinely-appointed arena, and the fields were joyful, and all the trees of the wood rejoiced hearing her song:
Rejoice, O my soul, in the all-providing mercy of God!
Rejoice, for here I shall seek salvation!
Rejoice, for this is the place of mine eternal rest!
Rejoice, for this is the place of my resurrection!
Rejoice, for these trees which shield me from worldly eyes!
Rejoice, for now I must seek the hidden life of prayer!
Rejoice, for the night is far-spent and day is at hand!
Rejoice, O my soul, and awake that thou be not found heedless!
Rejoice, good instructress of monastics!
Rejoice, that we may desire thy godly fervour!
Rejoice, thou whose prayers have hallowed the air!
Rejoice, thou whose tears have purified the earth!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 4

Who can describe the storm of temptations which assailed thee during thy fifteen years in the desolate, lonely wilderness, O thou set as a hart upon thy high places? For in thy humility thou didst ever strive to hide thy virtue. But now thou art glorified by Him whom thou glorifiedst in thy life, crying: Alleluia!

Ekos 4

Kneeling upon a rock, thou builtest thy spiritual house upon the Rock that is Christ and a fulfilment of His Commandments, mortifying thy flesh and routing the hordes of the demons; and even we, whose ascetic efforts are as the wings of a fly take courage from thy victory, hymning thee thus:
Rejoice, O Melangell, pillar in the eternal temple!
Rejoice, shining foundation of the new Jerusalem!
Rejoice, marble tablet inscribed with the Lord's new name!
Rejoice, adamant of noetic vigilance!
Rejoice, bastion of obedience to the divine behest!
Rejoice, tower of strength against the dark forces of hell!
Rejoice, rampart against despondency!
Rejoice, unconquerable fortress of purity!
Rejoice, living stone, may we attain such unwavering resolve!
Rejoice, thou altar, consecrate our souls to holiness!
Rejoice, white stone of victory, strengthen our hearts to resist temptation!
Rejoice, thou who leadest me to the rock that is higher than I!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 5

Though hidden from human eyes, creation beheld thee as a star O holy one; wild beasts became docile in thy presence and timid creatures grew fearless. Raising its eloquent hymn of praise, thy valley sang its new song unto the Lord: Alleluia!

Ekos 5

"And the wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them." We who reap the bitter fruit of Adam's disobedience in Paradise see in thee O Melangell hope for our own restoration to life, singing to thee thus:
Rejoice, faithful fulfiller of the Commandments of Christ!
Rejoice, icon of trusting obedience!
Rejoice, thou in whose garden the Lord walked with joy!
Rejoice, thou who heldest sweet converse with Him even at the sixth hour!
Rejoice, willing bearer of His easy burden and light yoke!
Rejoice, thou who now partakest of the Tree of Life!
Rejoice, for thou madest of thy valley a paradise!
Rejoice, for through thee it is now a step away from Heaven!
Rejoice, thou who paintest anew for us the colours of creation!
Rejoice, thou who teachest all to honour its grandeur!
Rejoice, bridge spanning the chasm of our sins!
Rejoice, thou who dost guide us across it in safety!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 6

After long years alone, battling against the powers of the air, O thou who castest lightning from Heaven, thy gentle hands upraised in prayer proved mightier than the foray of an earthly prince, who, seeing manifest the harmony in thy valley, was wroth, paralysed and unable to cry: Alleluia!

Ekos 6

Touched at last by divine grace which is able to reach down into our deepest darkness, his heart was converted; and, from the depths of his soul he was moved, O Melangell, to sing thy praises:
Rejoice, revealer of the unrepentant!
Rejoice, terror of the demons!
Rejoice, wakener of souls in the sleep of sin!
Rejoice, thou whose godly love pierceth hearts of stone!
Rejoice, dew that quenchest the flame of the passions!
Rejoice, blinding flash of purity!
Rejoice, gentle light of the holy glory of Christ!
Rejoice, unexpected joy of contrition!
Rejoice, soft radiance of the Light that knoweth no evening!
Rejoice, divine splendour, renew my darkened life!
Rejoice, lamp brimming with the oil of the virtues!
Rejoice, thou who art a beacon, deign to lead even me to salvation!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 7

Desiring to reveal a ray of true light amid this age of mirage and delusion, the Shepherd of our souls led likeminded maidens to thee, for they saw in thee a teacher of the one thing needful, and devoutly placing their lives under thy protecting mantle, they sang: Alleluia!

Ekos 7

Though rejoicing because of the amnesty granted thee, and loving thy solitude, thou didst not oppose this new visitation from the right hand of the Most High, receiving all who came to thee, and lowering thine eyes in deepest humility, thou didst move them and us to pray:
Rejoice, restorer of wayward hearts!
Rejoice, guide of blinded souls!
Rejoice, thou who leadest our feet in the way of peace!
Rejoice, for we too seek the Dayspring on high!
Rejoice, thou whose eye was wholly single!
Rejoice, thou whose soul was full of light!
Rejoice, good instructress of the young!
Rejoice, kind support of those venerable in years!
Rejoice, thou whose care constraineth us to seek the heavenly Prize!
Rejoice, thou whose zeal stirreth us to run the race set before us!
Rejoice, uplifter of our feeble hands!
Rejoice, make firm my faltering steps!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 8

Desiring to immerse themselves in the sweet serenity of thy shrine, O thou who givest good gifts unto thy children, pilgrims began to flock to thy monastery's enclosure from near and far, fugitives found sanctuary, the oppressed a respite, and weary travellers found refreshment for body and soul, raising their grateful song: Alleluia!

Ekos 8

Grant us also, O Melangell, who are strangers and exiles in this world, a cup of cool, living water for the sake of Christ, from thy beloved hands which are ever extended to embrace thy flock, debtors because of our sins but who pray:
Rejoice, for thy hallowed place was a haven in troubled times!
Rejoice, for thine icon guards us wayfarers to this day!
Rejoice, thou who meetest us in our times of decision!
Rejoice, fellow traveller along our winding paths!
Rejoice, welcomed guest at the Master's table!
Rejoice, humble servant of all those bidden to His feast!
Rejoice, thou whose name is as the music of harps!
Rejoice, thou whose works are a hymn in praise of God!
Rejoice, thou whose intercession for us is a lighted doorway!
Rejoice, thou who teachest us the hospitality of mercy!
Rejoice, warm my cold heart at the hearth of repentance!
Rejoice, help me to set a watch before my mouth!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 9

Having flown across the Jordan of this life, O thou who hast thy pinions covered with silver, thou standest now on Canaan's side amid the angels and a great cloud of witnesses. While we, the last, tossed about in our scattered flight, raise our small voice in supplication: Alleluia!

Ekos 9

Princes and poets alike have honoured thee in art and song O venerable Melangell, but our words are as the lisping of children. Even so, constrained by our love for thee we sing:
Rejoice, thou who dost worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness!
Rejoice, thou whose voice adorneth the celestial choirs!
Rejoice, thou who hast reached the Promised Land!
Rejoice, thou who ever drawest our eyes thither!
Rejoice, thou who carolest the gentle breezes of our redemption!
Rejoice, thou who art a lark guiding us to the eternal springtime!
Rejoice, thou who by the grace of Christ stillest the waves of our tribulations!
Rejoice, thou who sweetenest the bitter waters of our sorrows!
Rejoice, thou whose fiery chariot was humility!
Rejoice, bestow upon me, too, a double portion of thy meekness!
Rejoice, thou who hast borne the heat of the vineyard's day!
Rejoice, strength of monastics at the eleventh hour!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 10

Desiring, come what may, to preserve thy wonderworking relics, shrine and gravestone, O Melangell, the faithful people of Pennant hid and guarded them when darkness threatened to devour the light of their remembrance, and through the sorrowful centuries their fervent prayer has risen, as quietly as the smoke of incense: Alleluia!

Ekos 10

Thou art ever a fortress for us O saint, for even during times of spiritual dearth, Christ's followers have resorted to thine aid with hope:
Rejoice, shepherdess who leadest us beside the still waters!
Rejoice, defence against soul-destroying wolves!
Rejoice, thou whose sweet song still echoeth in thy valley!
Rejoice, thou whose presence toucheth hearts unawares!
Rejoice, thou who meetest us at the crossroads of our lives!
Rejoice, gentle guardian through the dark night of our soul!
Rejoice, thou who leadest us amid the encircling gloom of doubt and unbelief!
Rejoice, thou who keepest our feet from straying onto the broad road!
Rejoice, our staff in climbing the steep and narrow way!
Rejoice, our guide, for we walk in darkness!
Rejoice, thou who pointest the way to eternal Life!
Rejoice, guide us in the way where light dwelleth!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 11

Though every tongue seemed stilled, yet rock and stone have been revealed as messengers, bearing glad tidings to hearts and eyes longing for a sight of thee, O thou who takest thy wings toward the dawn, for lo, in this our latter generation, thy shrine once more graceth the countryside of Powys; and pilgrims, numberless as the sand flock to it, with the joyful sound: Alleluia!

Ekos 11

As a candle upon a candlestand art thou O Melangell, after thy long vigil, until the Knower of all things manifested thy light in the midnight of this world; and filled with wonder we say:
Rejoice, thou who art a sign of renewal for Orthodoxy in Wales!
Rejoice, fulfilment of an ancient hope!
Rejoice, icon of meekness and authority!
Rejoice, shrine of strength and healing!
Rejoice, for in our joy, night is become radiant!
Rejoice, for through thee a new day is dawning!
Rejoice, dewdrop reflecting the Morning-star!
Rejoice, gentle rain bringing newness of life!
Rejoice, consolation for weary fishers of souls!
Rejoice, for through thee many stray lambs are carried home!
Rejoice, kind tutor of children!
Rejoice, thou who lovingly nurturest spiritual babes!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 12

Falling to our knees before thy holy relics, we give voice together with a sea of travellers who, over time, have sought thine aid; can it be that such a joy should be granted to us the unworthy ones! For all who bring to thy feet our world of burdens find solace beneath thy comforting mantle: Alleluia!

Ekos 12

Within thy church, the baying and clamour of the world is hushed and in that place of prayer, clarity is restored. Many come away healed of bodily illnesses and all find refreshment as we sing:
Rejoice, our unfailing intercessor!
Rejoice, thou who standest before the Lord with the children He hath given thee!
Rejoice, healer of our bodies!
Rejoice, gentle physician of our souls!
Rejoice, profound peace amid an age of tumult!
Rejoice, calm amid a life of chaos!
Rejoice, thou who desirest that our distracted hearts be attentive!
Rejoice, thou who desirest that we share in thy Sabbath rest!
Rejoice, pray for me that I may walk softly in the presence of holiness!
Rejoice, pray for me that I may speak with love to my close ones!
Rejoice, pray for me that I may see the beauty in all things!
Rejoice, pray for me that I may do only that which will bring joy to the angels!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 13

O most blessed mother Melangell, thou whose authority disperseth evil and whose meekness sheltereth thy lambs, entreat the Lord and Shepherd of our souls that in His mercy, He may vouchsafe us to run the good race set before us, to win the heavenly Prize, that ever rejoicing with thee in the eternal bridal-halls, we may unceasingly sing to our Bridegroom: Alleluia!

O most blessed mother Melangell, thou whose authority disperseth evil and whose meekness sheltereth thy lambs, entreat the Lord and Shepherd of our souls that in His mercy, He may vouchsafe us to run the good race set before us, to win the heavenly Prize, that ever rejoicing with thee in the eternal bridal-halls, we may unceasingly sing to our Bridegroom: Alleluia!

O most blessed mother Melangell, thou whose authority disperseth evil and whose meekness sheltereth thy lambs, entreat the Lord and Shepherd of our souls that in His mercy, He may vouchsafe us to run the good race set before us, to win the heavenly Prize, that ever rejoicing with thee in the eternal bridal-halls, we may unceasingly sing to our Bridegroom: Alleluia!

Ekos 1

A thousand angels sing thy praises O Melangell, for having beheld thy solitary struggle for love of God, thy striving after the virtues and thy victory over Satan; they welcomed thee into the habitations of the righteous, chanting to thee such things as these:
Rejoice, dove of the wilderness!
Rejoice, sparrow cherished in the hand of the Heavenly Father!
Rejoice, lily arrayed in unfading glory!
Rejoice, rose of ineffable sweetness!
Rejoice, beloved dwelling of the Lord of Hosts!
Rejoice, thou who eternally abidest in His courts!
Rejoice, tree planted by streams of living water!
Rejoice, tender olive branch of hope!
Rejoice, meek lamb, hearkening only to the Shepherd's voice!
Rejoice, thou shepherdess, ever tending His flock!
Rejoice, thou who art sheltered by the wings of the Most High!
Rejoice, thou who liftest our eyes to whence cometh our help!
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

Kontakion 1

To thee our patient intercessor and watchful guardian,
We thy lambs who flee for refuge beneath thy protecting mantle,
Offer thee our hymns of thanksgiving and devotion,
For as thy divinely-bestowed authority doth ever disperse evil,
Do thou foil the darts of our pursuing enemy,
And teach us by thy meekness that we may cry to thee:
Rejoice, O Melangell whose staff putteth evil to flight!

A Prayer to St. Melangell

O holy mother Melangell, who dwellest now in light unapproachable with a multitude of radiant, glorified ones, ever rejoicing to behold the beauty of the Lamb: we lift our voices and hearts to thee in supplication; for thou art one who hast trode this path of the Christian life before us in an age as pagan and tumultuous as our own. As thou chosest earthly exile from thine homeland, spurning thine imperial lineage, wealth, glory and a prestigious marriage, to become a citizen of Heaven and a bride of Him who eternally loveth mankind and sacrificed Himself for us, instill in us courage to count all things here below as nought, for the sake of those eternal blessings. And as thou didst abandon earthly honour and comfort, subjecting thy body to the harsh asceticism of solitary vigils, kneeling in prayer upon a stone slab for fifteen years without seeing another human face, do thou teach us to seek for that completeness which no longer seeketh the false consolations of this world. And as thou art known to be the protectress of small, helpless creatures, help us to nurture and protect our souls as little children, without whose presence we shall in no wise see the Kingdom of Heaven. Thou art revealed as a healer in our days; and we ask that in thy kindness, thou intercede for our loved ones who are suffering, whose names are remembered daily before thy venerable relics.
Thy wisdom was sought, not only by those desiring to embrace the monastic life under thy guidance, but by other anchorites abiding in stillness in the valleys round about. Ye did all drink abundantly from the Fountain of Immortality and now we beg you: pray that our hearts be cleansed through repentance, that they may worthily receive a few drops of that same life-bestowing spring, who together with His unoriginate Father and the All-holy, good and life-creating Spirit is worshipped and glorified now and ever and unto ages of ages, amen.

Troparion to St. Melangell Tone 8

Preferring the rigours of monasticism to worldly status and marriage, O pious Melangell,* thou wast fifteen years on a rock, emulating the example of the Syrian Stylites.* Wherefore, O Saint, pray to God that He will give us strength to serve Him as He wills,/ that we may be found worthy of great mercy.

So, there we have it. Seven years have come and gone. That seems somehow significant! I've seen a lot of changes come and go both in the church and in me, but that truth, that knowledge that is indescribable, that thing which is more than logic and beyond mere emotion has kept me here, has made me learn and grow and keep on going when a lot could have made me stop. I am fundamentally where I need to be. I would die a spiritual death if I were not here. Of this I'm certain. So, upon this day of joyful recollection and peaceful contemplation, I will simply say: Glory to God for all things!

Deo Gratias!

The Joy of Creativity

Benedicamus Domino!

I am slowly coming to believe that we all are creative, we all seek to make, to bring into being, something new and never seen before. Just because we might not have an artistic bent, does it then follow that we must consider ourselves barren of this creative spark? Is creating simply and solely the province of those who work with brush or chisel, piano or pen? I say no, for living can be an art as well. Living can be about creating something beautiful. Sometimes it involves chipping away rough edges. Sometimes it's about piecing broken shards back together! Whatever task we're engaged in at the moment should be generative, should be creative. How would it be if we actually learn to view our lives as works of art, as things continually being made at every moment? What if we learn to see the things which detract from the beauty inherent in us and, rather than letting them consume us, we simply acknowledge them and then set about the task of fixing them? Of course, it takes other eyes than ours to truly show us these things. It takes our Creator to show us how to take a hand in His artistry and to allow Him to restore us to the glory which only He truly knows, and therein lies the difficulty. This restoration might seem painful to us. He might strip away layers which we thought beautiful at first but which He knows would smudge our true beauty. How do we let Him do this? How do we let go of the fear of change?

For everyone, this answer will be different, but it must happen and keep happening. Every time we seek to hold onto things which would weigh us down, which would dull the colours of our lives, we must remind ourselves that our Creator seeks to beautify, to reveal beauty rather than to destroy it. If His fiery hand seems to consume us, we must remember that it seeks to consume the dross and to leave us the gold. Christ wishes our joy to be full. Imagine what it must be like to truly live in the fullness of joy! It must be beautiful and terrible beyond telling! It must be beyond all fears and all affections! It must be a continual shimmering music which strikes the soul like kindling fire and causes it to be caught up into the endless singing! It must truly be ecstasy!

I believe that I have heard the merest faint echo of the sound of that joy. It came to me yesterday in the form of a new song, and here it is. It waited a whole year to be born, and now it has come. Glory to God for all things! It is a setting of the Hopkins poem "Heaven-Haven (A Nun Takes the Veil."

Sara Hillis - Heaven-Haven (A Nun Takes the Veil)

Deo Gratias!

Capturing a Moment

Benedicamus Domino!

William Wordsworth once famously wrote that poetry is "a spontaneous overflow of emotion recalled in a time of tranquility." I've often scoffed at this definition, but I am now forced to conclude that he may very possibly be correct. The following piece is not a poem as far as I tend to define the term, but it is, I think, my best attempt at capturing the moment at which I realized that Christ really was the fulfilment of all things for me. It's a meditation I wrote as a result of this Hildegard of Bingen course-thing I'm taking. Here it is!

Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Inana! Ye mothers of the moon! Ye virgins of the fields! Ye crones of the eastern deserts! Exult now and be glad! Danae, Lito and Psyche, dance with unending joy, for your stories have come to fulfilment! Your tales told round fires and in temples have pointed the way to the truest twining of the green of Eros and the gold of Agape, for it was Mary who was showered in the true gold, Mary who bathed in the green of the Spirit as the Word took root in her mortal womb! Here at last was the reason for the telling of your tales, ye goddesses of field and forest, for as in you was conceived and born the quickening life of the sun and the famous warrior who protected his people, so was conceived and born in her the Christ, the conqueror of death and the victor over hell, the renewer of the world, the springtime in our wintry wanderings! See how Mary is lifted high above you all! See how she is both maiden and mother, but in her, no crone exists. No descent to the underworld must she make, for death cannot hold her whom Christ hath quickened with his very self! See the miracle and rejoice with me, for now we know what was hidden in the poetry and passion, in the rituals and the rhymes of the old ways. Christ is among us and the ladder by which He descended was none other than Mary herself, a mortal woman made immortal and wise by the greening power of God! Amen!

So, there we have it. I'm glad I was finally able to do this! I think it will open up a lot of interesting creative avenues for me!

Deo Gratias!

Spreading my Wings

Benedicamus Domino!

I was speaking with someone earlier this week and what we were talking about sounded to her as though it belonged in one of my blog entries. So, far be it from me to argue with such indisputable logic! Here goes!

I often find myself frustrated with what I perceive as the narrowness of some of the attitudes of the people in my faith. I mean, I know that straight and narrow leadeth unto life, but does that necessarily mean that one must develop such a narrow vision that one fears to look beyond its scope lest one be tempted away from Christ? (Wow! I never thought I'd get to the end of that sentence with its meaning intact!) I sometimes get the feeling that people in my faith, in their zeal to protect themselves and their children from the ever-intruding 'spirit of the age,' may occasionally go a little too far. I mean, if we really believe that nothing can stand against God, if we really believe that God is our help and protection, should we fear what we don't understand? Should we always be of a suspicious nature? It's this suspicious nature which I seem to have acquired, and I really don't like it.

We are called to be circumspect. We should look around us and see what is going on, and if necessary, we should eschew it if it seems truly destructive. But should we cast aspersions on some faith or some group of people or some book, say, simply because it does not conform to our beliefs? I've always maintained a negative answer to this question, the one caveat being that if it is happening within the church, we ought to take a good hard look at why it's happening and to figure out what the new or different element is trying to accomplish. John's writings condemn the nostics in no uncertain terms. To him, they were directly challenging the truth that Christ was and is a living man. To him, that would have been a personal insult as he had witnessed the resurrection himself. Say what you like about them, but they were going off the track, both of what Christ had taught and of what he truly was and is. So, I'm certainly not advocating straight relativism. I really do not believe that every idea in the world is valid just because it's an idea. I believe some stand up better than others, and some faiths stand up much better than others.

What I don't want to do is to create boxes for myself, and I always do this. I create a box for myself, and when something challenges that box, I get all frightened and suspicious of that thing. It might be as simple as a certain kind of language which someone uses to talk about God, for instance. I myself might not use that language, but should I become frightened of it just because I hear it? This seems to point to an utter lack of belief or trust or something. If God is who He seems to be, then He'll know if a person is talking to Him no matter what mode of discourse is being used. It's God that has to deal with each person, not me. My job is to just do my best and look to my own self and let the spirit of the age move as it will, for it is always changing.

I'm currently participating in an "online retreat." It's based around the time of Lent, but my Lent doesn't start for another month. Still, it involves the life and work of Hildegard of Bingen, a Benedictine Abbess from the 1100s. She's not Orthodox by definition, because she was born 44 years after what we call the Great Schism, when, due to several doctrinal and political factors, a bunch of bishops decided that east and west were no longer in communion with each other. However, there is no doubt in my mind that she was Christian, that she possessed the wisdom of her ancestors in the faith and was an amazing witness to the Benedictine spirit! Officially, I cannot call her a saint. Officially, I cannot ask for her intercession. However, does this mean that she cannot teach me things? Does this mean that I must simply deny a woman who's fiery words and heavenly music were one of the keys to Christ for me? I've wrestled with this kind of thing for a long time, and I've decided that it's high time I spread my wings. I have no intention of abandoning Orthodox Christianity. It's still the best thing going for my money. It has everything I need, and in my book, you either take the whole pill or leave it, because once you chop it up, a lot of its virtue is gone. However, I will not be bound by others' fears and warnings with no foundations. I think I know enough by now to tread cautiously and to be circumspect, and I hope I'm not such a fool as to stop discussing things with others of my faith. So, I am letting Hildegard's idea of the greening (viriditas) power of God enter into me during this retreat. That is what He's all about, really, bringing things to life and quickening even the dead! I want to stop being afraid. I want to stop feeling as though my faith might snap like a twig at the slightest pressure from outside. Perhaps my faith would do that, but that is when we can call to God: "Save me, Lord! I perish!"

Deo Gratias!