Benedicamus Domino!
I've been hearing and reading a lot about abortion on both sides of the issue lately, and I thought it prudent to weigh in with my own thoughts. My relationship to this subject is a complicated one and involves many changes of opinion and belief over the years, so I trust that you who read this will view what I have to say as something which I have come to after much wrestling and struggle.
When I was a child, I heard the term "abortion" in the news a lot. Dr. Henry Morgentaler was crusading for the right for women to choose whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term here in Canada. We had no Supreme Court decision such as that in the US at that time. I believe it later came because of Morgentaler's efforts and was similar to the famous US case. Anyhow, by some means or other, Canadians can now legally have abortions.
I remember that I asked my mother what an abortion was, and when she told me, she cried. We are not Catholics. We were not practicing or church-going Christians, but still, my mother cried when she told me about abortions. It reminded her of a time when she had just come from having me, actually. I was premature and in some difficulty at the time, and a woman was there who had just had or was contemplating having an abortion. (So, somehow, it was legal to do this even before the late '80s. Hmmm... I'm now suitably confused.) Anyway, this woman struck up a conversation with my mother and explained how it just wasn't the right time for her to be having a child, so she decided to take this route. My mother was pretty shocked by what seemed to her this very cavalier attitude. Of course, it may not have been cavalier at all, but that's how Mom saw it, and it left an impression on her and later, on me. Still, being a "good little Canadian girl who keeps up with the times and is not an unenlightened and backwards thinker" (TM,) I identified myself as being "pro-choice." I did this throughout high school and into university. It's what you had to do if you wanted to be perceived as an intellectual and modern woman, after all! Of course, my qualification was always that I was pro-choice but that my choice would be never to have an abortion. True pro-choicers would accept this answer, because if there is a choice, there must be two alternatives, and it must be acceptable for a person to take a choice that you might not consider to be the right one. So, I was happy in my little world of wishy-washy fence-sitting. I didn't realize that the fence I was sitting on was made of barbed wire and that it was, in effect, cutting my soul in two while I sat on it.
When I came to this realization was when I had to come to terms with the fact that I had joined a church whose official stance on abortion is that it is murder. I had to sit back and really think about this. For the first time, I was having to puzzle out this idea for myself and really try to come to a thought-out and cogent agreement or disagreement with this stance. I had to really think about whether I really believed that life begins at conception, and in looking at my own unwillingness to consider abortion as an option for me, I realized that I did believe that life begins as soon as egg and sperm have joined. That little miracle (which is in a way against a lot of odds to begin with!) is the beginning and contains in itself all the potential of the child and later the adult. This is my belief, and as such, it cannot only be a belief which remains with me. It can't be true for me and not true for every other human being. I mean, others are free to dispute it, but if I believe it, I must believe it to be true for everyone. It goes to the very nature of humanity really!
One of the main rhetorical arguments I've heard on the Pro-choice cide of things is that women's bodies are their own. I can see why this became an argument. The Catholic Church's encyclical of 1968 pretty-much stated that the child should be preserved at all costs and that a husband has the right to get his wife pregnant as many times as he can even though she may be ill or weakened or sickly. Once conception happens, this document stated, that's it. It's now God's will that the child be carried and hopefully born. Also, it denounced all forms of really effective birth control. I have a problem with this which I'll explain in a moment. However, back to the main point. Are our bodies truly our own to use as we will? If one is a Christian, one would have to say that no, our bodies are not our own. Do they belong to our husbands to do with as they please? No. Wives and husbands must mutually consent both to engage in intercourse and to abstain. So, in what sense then are our bodies not our own?
Every human being was made by God. Every Christian seeks to bring more and more of him or herself into line with God's will, with God's self, actually. Women then have a great responsibility! Nowadays, there are measures one can take to delay the time of getting pregnant, and if a woman feels that she cannot do it at this time, I feel that she should have the right to wait until she can commit emotionally and physically to carrying a child. As far as I know, the Orthodox Church is not so damning of birth control as that encyclical I referred to before. This is all done before conception. No life has begun as yet. However, if a baby begins and is considered to be alive at the time of conception, then abortion by its very nature is murder. One thing which helped me to deal with this belief was that in Orthodoxy, there's no crazy place for babies who are aborted to go. They just go to God and are deemed to be on the same level as the children murdered at Bethlehem by Herod for Jesus's sake. This may sound harsh to our modern minds, but it makes sense if abortion is deemed to be murder. There's no use in sugar-coating it.
Does this then follow that I think the laws sanctioning abortion should be done away with completely and rapidly? I'd love it if this could be done, but it isn't realistic without some major societal changes. We've got to create a society where having babies is more planned than it currently is, and where unplanned babies can be given good homes. If we don't want people to get abortions, we have to find ways to give them more options! There are some populations which statistics say will have a harder time having their babies adopted than others. This has to change! Just doing away with the law may seem like a solution, but all it will do is cause unsafe procedures to be done as they were several years ago. Abortion has been around since man has been alive. Is it right? I believe that it isn't, but if it must exist in a world such as ours, I'd rather see it done with the least amount of harm possible. (And yes, I realize how hollow that sounds to someone who believes as I do that killing a life, any life at any age, is murder.)
You won't find me waving signs outside any clinics. You won't find me showing you pictures of dead babies and asking you to change your mind. However, you will find me expressing the view to which I have come as clearly and unemotionally as I can, and the major crux of that view as that we have a crappy society which needs a lot of changes for abortion to truly be abolished. Till next time!
Deo Gratias!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Yet More Theophany Thoughts
Benedicamus Domino!
It was pointed out to me today that if I were really going to deal correctly with Theophany in this blog, I should create a third entry in order to symbolize the Trinity which was manifested when Christ was baptized and John the Baptist saw the Spirit descending on Him like a dove and heard the Father's voice identifying Christ as His beloved Son. So, in order to fulfil this most important mathematical necessity, here is my third entry upon this subject.
In church today, the priest preached a sermon which made me think about many comments which I have heard just lately as to what people who have not seen Orthodox Christian worship believe that it seems to accomplish. These comments are not something I take lightly in the least, but they do force me to think about my own beliefs and to reaffirm them for myself if not for anyone else. First though, we'll deal with the sermon itself.
In it, the priest stated that the reason we consider Christ's baptism to be so significant is that through it, He began the work of sanctifying the whole world. By God coming down and touching the waters of the Jordan in a manner which foreshadowed His being buried in a tomb, the waters, and thus all that they fed were reclaimed from their fallen state and once again became sacred. This in itself was a type or a symbol of what God would later do for us by His death and resurrection. He allowed Himself to be baptized as though He needed repentance from sin, and He later allowed Himself to be crucified as though He were a lawless and sinful man, but in both these cases He was not what He seemed. He was God incarnate, and thus, His divinity being brought to these two extremities of humanity sanctified that humanity as well as the whole Christ-created world. Christ-created, did I say? Quite right! For it was Christ who spoke the Father's thought into being before ever the earth rose from the void, but before the earth, and before man himself, there were waters. Water, we believe, is the primal element out of which all life sprang, and as such, it has been considered both the most pure and the least pure of all elements. It is used for the purification of Baptism, but first, it must be blessed. Why is this? Why cannot water simply be considered sacred by its very nature? If Christ has sanctified it once, isn't that enough? Why must we use ritual to do this again and again?
The same may be asked of man. If Christ died for our sins and took away the sin of the world, then why do we continue to examine ourselves and to confess our sins? Why must we repent again and again? First, we have to consider just what Christ was accomplishing in these two connected acts of His baptism and His death and resurrection. Was He baptized simply to institute the rite of baptism for us? Did he do it just so it would get put into the gospels? Did he allow John to baptize Him so He would seem to be a man even though He was more than a man? Did He wish to appear to be a sinner only?
The answer from an Orthodox point of view is an emphatic no! He was and is truly human, but being also Divine, He recognized that the very nature of humanity needed to be sanctified. He endued baptism simply by undergoing it with a new significance. Not only was it a pledge of repentance, but now, it became a renewal of fallen man to his former state. It was also a type of the death He would later undergo.
Now, what about this death? Did He only seem to die? Did He die in order to turn God's wrath from us? Was He the Passover lamb who would cause the avenging angel to pass by some while killing others? Is Christ, in short, the same as the atonement offering which was offered for the entire Hebrew community every year in the Jerusalem temple? What exactly does "dying for our sins" mean?
In one sense, He did take our sin unto Himself, but this was accomplished by the fact that He took on our weakened and fallen condition, that He allowed Himself to become a man. Was His death then an act of stepping in front of God's loaded and already-fired gun? Did He simply take the bullets of God's anger for us? Without Him, would we have been punished by the big sky-thunderer up there?
Firstly, Christ truly died indeed. The manner of His death was ignominious, but this was His condescension, not a method of appeasing God on our behalf. No. He did not die to appease an angry sky-god! He died so that He could go into the land of the dead, (call it Hades if you like) as God just as He had come to earth as a living man. His dead humanity allowed Him to go that journey and thus to free all of the dead there by His own resurrection, so now, our task is to follow his path. We must die to our passions and sins so that we may rise anew in Christlike love and mercy. His death and resurrection was for our salvation, and we call Him our saviour, but He didn't save us from an angry and vicious God by being punished on our behalf! He saved us from ourselves and from the ease with which the devil can attack us in our vulnerable and broken state. He showed us the path to wholeness and to new life!
Here then is the answer to why we perform rituals such as the blessing of waters. We are asking His aid in reclaiming what has been broken just as we ask His mercy to reclaim ourselves from the bondage of sin and death. This is also why we confess to a priest. Someone recently said to me that they didn't understand why confessing to a priest (instead of directly to God or in a corporate way in a congregation) should make us feel anymore guilt-ridden or anymore forgiven. Of course, we're always able to confess our sins directly to God, and in some places I've been, a kind of corporate confession is done, but confessing to a priest or a bishop is something which was instituted just after the major influx of Christians once Christianity was no longer a crime in the Roman empire. Public confession (that is, everyone confessing their sins before the congregation) was common before that time, but it simply became unworkable once numbers of Christians grew, and also it was deemed that some sins of the newly-converted might be scandalous if repeated in public. So, this is where the sacrament or mystery of Confession began.
I know that for me, actually having to put my sin into words out loud is a very humbling experience. if I have to tell someone else that I yelled at a child in anger rather than in reproof or that I had angry thoughts about that child, it's a very humbling thing! It's sometimes rather easy to say to God that we've done these things, because it's harder for us to perceive His actual presence with us, but if we have to say them where another human being can hear us, that's a totally different thing. Do we need a priest to absolve us of our sins? No, but he is a witness of what we say, and the act of Confession is a very concrete and experiencial way in which we can begin to come to terms with our brokenness and can learn to repent and can be healed.
I think this is the key to all the ritual and pageantry in Orthodox worship. We are trying to incarnate, to make alive, a belief which we all hold in our hearts, but we are trying to incarnate that belief so that our bodies and our minds can receive it. Our bodies and minds are rather more sluggish about such things than our hearts and our souls, so they need help. We must be continually reminded of the path we're walking because so many things take our minds away from that path. Liturgical and sacramental ritual is what helps us, as one of our hymns states, to "lay aside all earthly cares" and to attend to Eternity in a more conscious and focused way. God is not some Deistic intellect who set everything going and now simply regards disinterestedly the watch that he has made ticking and turning! No! He is Life itself! His love is all-consuming! It is fire which intends to destroy everything in us which is not fit for His dwelling-place, and from this destruction will come something beautiful and true, something unalloyed and unmixed with impurities! He is the Philosopher's Stone and His love is the crucible which will give us true immortality! However, our brains and our scattered senses know not how to perceive this process going on in us without help: without outward reminders of His grace and mercy. Ritual is the way in which we can experience outwardly what we need to experience in our inner selves, and at the same time, it is the manifestation outward of the inner experiences of many holy (renewed to health) people who created the rituals over time.
So, we bless the waters every year at Theophany because we are both commemorating Christ's baptism in the Jordan and also reaffirming for ourselves that Christ has redeemed all of creation from its fallen state, but also letting ourselves know that this process is spread out for us in time so that we are not overwhelmed but are given the chance to cooperate in it. On one hand, all has been reclaimed by Christ's incarnation with His baptism, death and resurrection. This has happened as far as Eternity is concerned, but we who live in time must be given it in small doses, lest seeing our true brokenness we might utterly despair of healing. This, at least, is the wisdom of those who have walked this path before ever I set my smallest toe upon it, and it is wisdom that I trust because it has borne fruit in my life! So, glory to God for all things, and may He bless the steps of His little ones who have such a long journey still to make!
Deo Gratias!
It was pointed out to me today that if I were really going to deal correctly with Theophany in this blog, I should create a third entry in order to symbolize the Trinity which was manifested when Christ was baptized and John the Baptist saw the Spirit descending on Him like a dove and heard the Father's voice identifying Christ as His beloved Son. So, in order to fulfil this most important mathematical necessity, here is my third entry upon this subject.
In church today, the priest preached a sermon which made me think about many comments which I have heard just lately as to what people who have not seen Orthodox Christian worship believe that it seems to accomplish. These comments are not something I take lightly in the least, but they do force me to think about my own beliefs and to reaffirm them for myself if not for anyone else. First though, we'll deal with the sermon itself.
In it, the priest stated that the reason we consider Christ's baptism to be so significant is that through it, He began the work of sanctifying the whole world. By God coming down and touching the waters of the Jordan in a manner which foreshadowed His being buried in a tomb, the waters, and thus all that they fed were reclaimed from their fallen state and once again became sacred. This in itself was a type or a symbol of what God would later do for us by His death and resurrection. He allowed Himself to be baptized as though He needed repentance from sin, and He later allowed Himself to be crucified as though He were a lawless and sinful man, but in both these cases He was not what He seemed. He was God incarnate, and thus, His divinity being brought to these two extremities of humanity sanctified that humanity as well as the whole Christ-created world. Christ-created, did I say? Quite right! For it was Christ who spoke the Father's thought into being before ever the earth rose from the void, but before the earth, and before man himself, there were waters. Water, we believe, is the primal element out of which all life sprang, and as such, it has been considered both the most pure and the least pure of all elements. It is used for the purification of Baptism, but first, it must be blessed. Why is this? Why cannot water simply be considered sacred by its very nature? If Christ has sanctified it once, isn't that enough? Why must we use ritual to do this again and again?
The same may be asked of man. If Christ died for our sins and took away the sin of the world, then why do we continue to examine ourselves and to confess our sins? Why must we repent again and again? First, we have to consider just what Christ was accomplishing in these two connected acts of His baptism and His death and resurrection. Was He baptized simply to institute the rite of baptism for us? Did he do it just so it would get put into the gospels? Did he allow John to baptize Him so He would seem to be a man even though He was more than a man? Did He wish to appear to be a sinner only?
The answer from an Orthodox point of view is an emphatic no! He was and is truly human, but being also Divine, He recognized that the very nature of humanity needed to be sanctified. He endued baptism simply by undergoing it with a new significance. Not only was it a pledge of repentance, but now, it became a renewal of fallen man to his former state. It was also a type of the death He would later undergo.
Now, what about this death? Did He only seem to die? Did He die in order to turn God's wrath from us? Was He the Passover lamb who would cause the avenging angel to pass by some while killing others? Is Christ, in short, the same as the atonement offering which was offered for the entire Hebrew community every year in the Jerusalem temple? What exactly does "dying for our sins" mean?
In one sense, He did take our sin unto Himself, but this was accomplished by the fact that He took on our weakened and fallen condition, that He allowed Himself to become a man. Was His death then an act of stepping in front of God's loaded and already-fired gun? Did He simply take the bullets of God's anger for us? Without Him, would we have been punished by the big sky-thunderer up there?
Firstly, Christ truly died indeed. The manner of His death was ignominious, but this was His condescension, not a method of appeasing God on our behalf. No. He did not die to appease an angry sky-god! He died so that He could go into the land of the dead, (call it Hades if you like) as God just as He had come to earth as a living man. His dead humanity allowed Him to go that journey and thus to free all of the dead there by His own resurrection, so now, our task is to follow his path. We must die to our passions and sins so that we may rise anew in Christlike love and mercy. His death and resurrection was for our salvation, and we call Him our saviour, but He didn't save us from an angry and vicious God by being punished on our behalf! He saved us from ourselves and from the ease with which the devil can attack us in our vulnerable and broken state. He showed us the path to wholeness and to new life!
Here then is the answer to why we perform rituals such as the blessing of waters. We are asking His aid in reclaiming what has been broken just as we ask His mercy to reclaim ourselves from the bondage of sin and death. This is also why we confess to a priest. Someone recently said to me that they didn't understand why confessing to a priest (instead of directly to God or in a corporate way in a congregation) should make us feel anymore guilt-ridden or anymore forgiven. Of course, we're always able to confess our sins directly to God, and in some places I've been, a kind of corporate confession is done, but confessing to a priest or a bishop is something which was instituted just after the major influx of Christians once Christianity was no longer a crime in the Roman empire. Public confession (that is, everyone confessing their sins before the congregation) was common before that time, but it simply became unworkable once numbers of Christians grew, and also it was deemed that some sins of the newly-converted might be scandalous if repeated in public. So, this is where the sacrament or mystery of Confession began.
I know that for me, actually having to put my sin into words out loud is a very humbling experience. if I have to tell someone else that I yelled at a child in anger rather than in reproof or that I had angry thoughts about that child, it's a very humbling thing! It's sometimes rather easy to say to God that we've done these things, because it's harder for us to perceive His actual presence with us, but if we have to say them where another human being can hear us, that's a totally different thing. Do we need a priest to absolve us of our sins? No, but he is a witness of what we say, and the act of Confession is a very concrete and experiencial way in which we can begin to come to terms with our brokenness and can learn to repent and can be healed.
I think this is the key to all the ritual and pageantry in Orthodox worship. We are trying to incarnate, to make alive, a belief which we all hold in our hearts, but we are trying to incarnate that belief so that our bodies and our minds can receive it. Our bodies and minds are rather more sluggish about such things than our hearts and our souls, so they need help. We must be continually reminded of the path we're walking because so many things take our minds away from that path. Liturgical and sacramental ritual is what helps us, as one of our hymns states, to "lay aside all earthly cares" and to attend to Eternity in a more conscious and focused way. God is not some Deistic intellect who set everything going and now simply regards disinterestedly the watch that he has made ticking and turning! No! He is Life itself! His love is all-consuming! It is fire which intends to destroy everything in us which is not fit for His dwelling-place, and from this destruction will come something beautiful and true, something unalloyed and unmixed with impurities! He is the Philosopher's Stone and His love is the crucible which will give us true immortality! However, our brains and our scattered senses know not how to perceive this process going on in us without help: without outward reminders of His grace and mercy. Ritual is the way in which we can experience outwardly what we need to experience in our inner selves, and at the same time, it is the manifestation outward of the inner experiences of many holy (renewed to health) people who created the rituals over time.
So, we bless the waters every year at Theophany because we are both commemorating Christ's baptism in the Jordan and also reaffirming for ourselves that Christ has redeemed all of creation from its fallen state, but also letting ourselves know that this process is spread out for us in time so that we are not overwhelmed but are given the chance to cooperate in it. On one hand, all has been reclaimed by Christ's incarnation with His baptism, death and resurrection. This has happened as far as Eternity is concerned, but we who live in time must be given it in small doses, lest seeing our true brokenness we might utterly despair of healing. This, at least, is the wisdom of those who have walked this path before ever I set my smallest toe upon it, and it is wisdom that I trust because it has borne fruit in my life! So, glory to God for all things, and may He bless the steps of His little ones who have such a long journey still to make!
Deo Gratias!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
More Theophany Thoughts
Benedicamus Domino!
As this day of Theophany comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the road which I have walked and which truly began in earnest some six years ago at around this time. This was when the priest at the church which I attend was describing the icon depicting the Theophany of Christ and when I realized that all the fears and questions I had when I left Christianity some years before (if, of course, I had ever truly committed myself to it, that is) were without need and groundless. Here at last did I find truth where before I had felt mired in follies. Here was Christ, not some imitation or some watered-down version of Him, but Christ Himself, who had truly been baptized in the Jordan and had even truly been crucified and had risen again. Here was no emotional outpouring of affection for the "friend we have in Jesus," but a stark yet stirring description of Christ who has made it so that death cannot hold sway over us anymore. Of course, I know I will die one day, but here at last I really began to believe that this life here on earth is not the end. I came to a crossroads that day. Either Christ wasn't real at all, or he was a dead man who had taught a long time ago, or He was the Son of God, and somehow, as my priest talked about the significance of the feast of Theophany, I knew that He was who everyone said He was. I knew it, but I didn't know it in my mind. I didn't know it through deductive or inductive reasoning. I didn't know it through Aquinas-like proofs or through someone quoting Bible verses at me. I knew it because my priest and others at the table were communicating to me, both in their words and in the joy which seemed palpable as they spoke, a living tradition, as though these people were almost as the Apostles had been on that day of Pentecost so long ago when the tongues of fire had sat upon them. I came to know that day the importance of having a living tradition, a link to one's beliefs which is rooted in the heart and not just in the head or in the learning of pages and pages of church history.
The people sharing that table with me on that day were all members of one body who could witness to me and to each other in a common language and via common experience. I was brought to Christ and to Orthodox Christianity not only by books and by my own inclinations, nor even only by the beautiful music and the ritual of the liturgy, but by people, by the faith and joy of people who showed me what it was to be rooted in Christ. They didn't demand that I follow any schedules. They didn't shove pamphlets down my throat. They didn't use any kind of program to get me to join them. Indeed, if I had wanted to be a mere inquirer for these last six years, they would gladly have let me do so. What they did do was tell stories, share customs and traditions, and most importantly, they shared their joy and their courage, their God-given strength and their love. I am where I am today by the prayers of saints, by the love of kindred spirits, by the faithful planting and watering of the seed of faith in my soul of careful and loving gardeners, and by the beauty and grandeur of Christ's own self. Glory to God for all these things and for so much more that He has given me, and a blessed Theophany to all who celebrate it!
Deo Gratias!
As this day of Theophany comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on the road which I have walked and which truly began in earnest some six years ago at around this time. This was when the priest at the church which I attend was describing the icon depicting the Theophany of Christ and when I realized that all the fears and questions I had when I left Christianity some years before (if, of course, I had ever truly committed myself to it, that is) were without need and groundless. Here at last did I find truth where before I had felt mired in follies. Here was Christ, not some imitation or some watered-down version of Him, but Christ Himself, who had truly been baptized in the Jordan and had even truly been crucified and had risen again. Here was no emotional outpouring of affection for the "friend we have in Jesus," but a stark yet stirring description of Christ who has made it so that death cannot hold sway over us anymore. Of course, I know I will die one day, but here at last I really began to believe that this life here on earth is not the end. I came to a crossroads that day. Either Christ wasn't real at all, or he was a dead man who had taught a long time ago, or He was the Son of God, and somehow, as my priest talked about the significance of the feast of Theophany, I knew that He was who everyone said He was. I knew it, but I didn't know it in my mind. I didn't know it through deductive or inductive reasoning. I didn't know it through Aquinas-like proofs or through someone quoting Bible verses at me. I knew it because my priest and others at the table were communicating to me, both in their words and in the joy which seemed palpable as they spoke, a living tradition, as though these people were almost as the Apostles had been on that day of Pentecost so long ago when the tongues of fire had sat upon them. I came to know that day the importance of having a living tradition, a link to one's beliefs which is rooted in the heart and not just in the head or in the learning of pages and pages of church history.
The people sharing that table with me on that day were all members of one body who could witness to me and to each other in a common language and via common experience. I was brought to Christ and to Orthodox Christianity not only by books and by my own inclinations, nor even only by the beautiful music and the ritual of the liturgy, but by people, by the faith and joy of people who showed me what it was to be rooted in Christ. They didn't demand that I follow any schedules. They didn't shove pamphlets down my throat. They didn't use any kind of program to get me to join them. Indeed, if I had wanted to be a mere inquirer for these last six years, they would gladly have let me do so. What they did do was tell stories, share customs and traditions, and most importantly, they shared their joy and their courage, their God-given strength and their love. I am where I am today by the prayers of saints, by the love of kindred spirits, by the faithful planting and watering of the seed of faith in my soul of careful and loving gardeners, and by the beauty and grandeur of Christ's own self. Glory to God for all these things and for so much more that He has given me, and a blessed Theophany to all who celebrate it!
Deo Gratias!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thoughts upon the Eve of Theophany!
Benedicamus Domino!
Tomorrow, January 6-Julian and January 19-Gregorian, is the day on which the parish to which I belong celebrates Theophany, also called The Feast of Lights. While in the western tradition it is called Epiphany and celebrates the coming of the wise men to adore Christ, Christ's baptism by John in the Jordan and the miracle of the water and the wine at the Wedding at Cana, the East focuses exclusively on Christ's baptism. His baptism in the Jordan and the subsequent manifestation of his divinity by the Spirit's descending on Him as a dove and the Father's voice signifying that He is indeed His Son is the first full revelation of God as Trinity. Also, this is a foreshadowing of how Christ's death and resurrection will sanctify all of creation and give man a way out of his fallen state. Consequently, it is celebrated with both great solemnity and great joy!
My history with this date is rather an interesting one. First of all, it is my half-birthday. We celebrated half-birthdays in my first year of university if a person on our floor had a birthday in the summer, and since then, I've always thought of this day as somehow special, if only in my own mind. Then, it was also the date of a very important right of passage for me: my formal initiation as a Witch. I recall telling a friend when the date would be and her remarking that that was the date of Theophany. It was the first time I'd ever heard that term, and when she described the wonderful traditions of that day, my heart missed a beat. Could there really be a kind of Christianity which honoured creation in such a positive way? Still, my heart was set and my intention firm, and so I was initiated, and I remember that the next day, it was as though all the world was filled with light and life for me. I did truly feel reborn that day! Still, I recall bestowing a thought or two on what my friend had told me, and what she had told me was this.
It is customary, on the day of Theophany, to perform a blessing of waters at a river or some other living and moving body of water. For when Christ was baptized in the Jordan, He sanctified the water by His mere presence. So, on this day, Eastern Orthodox churches perform a blessing of actual living water soas to honour that sanctification of all of creation which Christ accomplished. For me, who was brought up on hymns and preaching, this very experiencial aspect of Christianity had never entered my head, and it was this wondrous and living act which awaited me at the entrance to my current path as an Orthodox Christian.
When I was inquiring into the faith and had not yet taken my first steps as a catechumen, I recall a time when my priest was describing Theophany to us by describing the icon which depicts Christ's baptism. Here was I, fresh from Paganism, and suddenly being told about the one festival which seemed to make sense to my body, mind, heart and soul, and ever since then, I have reverenced this Feast almost on the same level as Easter/Pascha! This, for me, is the feast of my redemption--not a redemption from Paganism exactly, but a redemption from the despair which led me to step away from Christ in the first place. This was the Feast which answered all my questions and doubts, which brought Christ down out of the clouds and directly into contact with myself and all that I sought to somehow honour and to bless in the world around me. Theophany is a Feast I feel very possessive about. It was the doorway, the gateway I needed, but only God knew when and how to present it to me, and I still find it a marvel to think about! Glory to God for all things!
Here, I will present a trinity of poems about the Theophany of Christ. I meant them to function as little word-icons. They are sonnets.
Poems Upon Christ's Baptism in the Jordan
I.
When Thou, O Lord, didst unto Jordan's stream
Betake Thyself in poor and humble guise,
To those who looked on Thee with mortal eyes,
Thou wast like them, a man of low esteem.
Yet, unto one who as a fleeting dream
Did hold all earthly cares, Thou didst arise
As doth the spring vault to the desert skies,
And thus, more fair than any fount doth seem.
As he could see Thy truth, who had no thought
For worldly things, and Witnessed Thee with force
To all who sought release from sin that day,
So may I come to see Thee, who know nought
But dreams which fall to dust. O, keep my course,
My Christ, upon the steep and narrow way!
II.
The depths of Jordan trembled at Thy touch,
As did the baptist when with fear and dread
He took Thy hallowed hand and gently led
Thee forth unto the water's side, in such
A fright to see his Master's sacred head
Now sink beneath the flood, which leapt and fled
Away, lest it should kill Thee with its clutch.
But at the last did John perform Thy will,
Baptizing Thee as Thou didst Him command.
The waters too did honour Thee aright,
And closed themselves upon Thee, standing still
And silent, waiting for the mighty hand
Of God to draw Thee out into His light.
III.
From Jordan's ancient stream didst Thou arise,
As doth the sun from out the misty east
When dawn doth break, and night's dark grasp hath ceased
To hold dominion o'er the earth and skies.
And after Thy fair rising did the eyes
Of all assembled there behold a feast
Of wonders, when from heaven was released
A dove which was the Spirit, true and wise.
It lit on Thee, and then there came a voice
Which called Thee "Son," and thus made manifest
The full and awesome splendour of the King
Of all creation, who by His own choice
Did condescend to dwell on earth as guest
In mortal form, and dedden death's cruel sting.
Deo Gratias!
Tomorrow, January 6-Julian and January 19-Gregorian, is the day on which the parish to which I belong celebrates Theophany, also called The Feast of Lights. While in the western tradition it is called Epiphany and celebrates the coming of the wise men to adore Christ, Christ's baptism by John in the Jordan and the miracle of the water and the wine at the Wedding at Cana, the East focuses exclusively on Christ's baptism. His baptism in the Jordan and the subsequent manifestation of his divinity by the Spirit's descending on Him as a dove and the Father's voice signifying that He is indeed His Son is the first full revelation of God as Trinity. Also, this is a foreshadowing of how Christ's death and resurrection will sanctify all of creation and give man a way out of his fallen state. Consequently, it is celebrated with both great solemnity and great joy!
My history with this date is rather an interesting one. First of all, it is my half-birthday. We celebrated half-birthdays in my first year of university if a person on our floor had a birthday in the summer, and since then, I've always thought of this day as somehow special, if only in my own mind. Then, it was also the date of a very important right of passage for me: my formal initiation as a Witch. I recall telling a friend when the date would be and her remarking that that was the date of Theophany. It was the first time I'd ever heard that term, and when she described the wonderful traditions of that day, my heart missed a beat. Could there really be a kind of Christianity which honoured creation in such a positive way? Still, my heart was set and my intention firm, and so I was initiated, and I remember that the next day, it was as though all the world was filled with light and life for me. I did truly feel reborn that day! Still, I recall bestowing a thought or two on what my friend had told me, and what she had told me was this.
It is customary, on the day of Theophany, to perform a blessing of waters at a river or some other living and moving body of water. For when Christ was baptized in the Jordan, He sanctified the water by His mere presence. So, on this day, Eastern Orthodox churches perform a blessing of actual living water soas to honour that sanctification of all of creation which Christ accomplished. For me, who was brought up on hymns and preaching, this very experiencial aspect of Christianity had never entered my head, and it was this wondrous and living act which awaited me at the entrance to my current path as an Orthodox Christian.
When I was inquiring into the faith and had not yet taken my first steps as a catechumen, I recall a time when my priest was describing Theophany to us by describing the icon which depicts Christ's baptism. Here was I, fresh from Paganism, and suddenly being told about the one festival which seemed to make sense to my body, mind, heart and soul, and ever since then, I have reverenced this Feast almost on the same level as Easter/Pascha! This, for me, is the feast of my redemption--not a redemption from Paganism exactly, but a redemption from the despair which led me to step away from Christ in the first place. This was the Feast which answered all my questions and doubts, which brought Christ down out of the clouds and directly into contact with myself and all that I sought to somehow honour and to bless in the world around me. Theophany is a Feast I feel very possessive about. It was the doorway, the gateway I needed, but only God knew when and how to present it to me, and I still find it a marvel to think about! Glory to God for all things!
Here, I will present a trinity of poems about the Theophany of Christ. I meant them to function as little word-icons. They are sonnets.
Poems Upon Christ's Baptism in the Jordan
I.
When Thou, O Lord, didst unto Jordan's stream
Betake Thyself in poor and humble guise,
To those who looked on Thee with mortal eyes,
Thou wast like them, a man of low esteem.
Yet, unto one who as a fleeting dream
Did hold all earthly cares, Thou didst arise
As doth the spring vault to the desert skies,
And thus, more fair than any fount doth seem.
As he could see Thy truth, who had no thought
For worldly things, and Witnessed Thee with force
To all who sought release from sin that day,
So may I come to see Thee, who know nought
But dreams which fall to dust. O, keep my course,
My Christ, upon the steep and narrow way!
II.
The depths of Jordan trembled at Thy touch,
As did the baptist when with fear and dread
He took Thy hallowed hand and gently led
Thee forth unto the water's side, in such
A fright to see his Master's sacred head
Now sink beneath the flood, which leapt and fled
Away, lest it should kill Thee with its clutch.
But at the last did John perform Thy will,
Baptizing Thee as Thou didst Him command.
The waters too did honour Thee aright,
And closed themselves upon Thee, standing still
And silent, waiting for the mighty hand
Of God to draw Thee out into His light.
III.
From Jordan's ancient stream didst Thou arise,
As doth the sun from out the misty east
When dawn doth break, and night's dark grasp hath ceased
To hold dominion o'er the earth and skies.
And after Thy fair rising did the eyes
Of all assembled there behold a feast
Of wonders, when from heaven was released
A dove which was the Spirit, true and wise.
It lit on Thee, and then there came a voice
Which called Thee "Son," and thus made manifest
The full and awesome splendour of the King
Of all creation, who by His own choice
Did condescend to dwell on earth as guest
In mortal form, and dedden death's cruel sting.
Deo Gratias!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Be Still, and Know that I am God!
Benedicamus Domino!
"Be still, and know that I am God" is taken from the Psalms, Psalm 45/46 to be exact, depending on what numbering you typically use. In the Septuagint numbering, it's 45, and in the later numbering, such as that used in the King James Bible and the Coverdale Psalter, it's 46. I think in both, it's verse 10. At any rate, I digress. It is a passage which I have always loved, but it is one I have read differently at different times in my life. Now, however, I think I've come to as close to a good understanding of it as I can.
When I was younger, I read "be still" as a command to do nothing, to refrain from acting, to let God do His thing and then all would be well. I could just walk through life and be somehow open to God, (my method of doing this was very vague,) and He would pour grace and good things into me as though I were an empty jug. He would, moreover, do this basically because it was His function, as though He were a tap just looking for something to fill with His divine essence or something. In short, I think it was a very mechanical God I believed in. He was always pouring, and I was just supposed to be receptive. Oh, and you know? This actually worked for a time. I remember thinking that I was very blessed of God because when I felt I just couldn't take a certain test on a certain day, the teacher was suddenly unable to be at school or the test itself wasn't ready for us yet or something. I did have a notion of prayer in those days, but it was largely prayer for specific things to happen. It wasn't prayer as a function of my soul or of myself. I tried my best to refrain from turning events to my favour while fervently calling on God to fix whatever jam I was in, and strangely enough, the jams often were fixed.
However, was this grace? Was this God's gift? There was always a part of me which felt guilty if anything would go the way I wanted it to after I had actually asked God for His help. This part of me knew that something was missing, and that likely God had not directly intervened to allow me a day's reprieve on the test. However, the one good thing that ccame out of those vague and undefined days of faith for me was a sense of gratitude. When I came to take the test the next day, for instance, I tried my absolute best as a way to honour what I saw as a little miracle in my life.
Still, I think this was the only good thing to come out of this odd relationship with God, because the main thing that was lacking from my perception that God's grace was helping me out of jams was the notion of personal responsibility. I found it difficult to believe in God as a personal God, as a God who is, in fact, a person, a being, an intelligence and a consciousness. I was alright with His having created the world, but somehow it was the human interaction thing I could never quite grasp. So for me, being still and knowing that He was God amounted to knowing that He was out of my reach generally, but that if I prayed hard enough, He tended to help me out of my troubles with, as it were, a mere flick of his little finger.
Later, when I was introduced to meditation and such, I began to look at that passage in a different light. At this time, being still meant taking time from my busy day and actually sitting still while trying to quiet my chattering mind, and then into that stillness would come the knowledge of God. Again, I wouldn't call this a personal meeting between two consciousnesses or two presences, but simply a filling of my emptiness with God's fullness. There is a certain wisdom in this I think, but it isn't all. It can still be somewhat mechanical if done without sufficient grounding in some tradition or other. I should also say that this approach really did not work for me in any true sense.
Then, I was introduced to a tradition which is called Hessychasm, which is taken from a Greek word "Hessychia" meaning "inner stillness." This is a tradition in Orthodox Christian monasticism (primarily) which stresses what is called "the prayer of the heart." This begins with a simple prayer, most often: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner," which is repeated with the mouth and with the mind, and which is used to focus the mind and the soul and to bring both down into the heart, which is not the physical heart but which is sort of the centre of the being, and eventually one can reach divine illumination: one can see what is termed the Uncreated Light of God. This is seen with a spiritual eye but I think has been perceived with the physical senses somehow too. This struck a chord with me immediately, because I thought I had experienced something like this Uncreated Light. I don't think this is the case now, but then I certainly did. There is a light which I sometimes see and which I have perceived since I was about eight at various times. It has always seemed very peaceful and very definite, but also very diffuse and sourceless. My left eye, which was the eye that once had light perception, is the one which still seems to see this light. There are times when it is night that it is almost like the sun is filling the place where I am. If this is some perception of God, that is all very well, but I think if I were actually to perceive the Uncreated Light, well, it would be a very different and much more soul-shaking experience!
However, I'm digressing again. The main point here is that there was a time when I longed to practice Hessychasm, to find some monastery which would teach it to me responsibly and slowly. This, I thought, was a way at last to truly be still and know that God is God, and to learn to know Him intimately, not merely with my brain. It is this intimate knowledge or communion which I still seek, but I don't think that pure Hessychasm would work for me, and I'll tell you why.
Hessychasm is very very suspicious of any kind of immaginative thinking where God is concerned. It eschews the brain's activity almost wholly in favour of the heart. The brain is engaged in focusing on a given prayer perhaps, but that's really it's function. The brain or the mind is to be centred in the heart, to become one with the heart through long hours of discipline, but is this the only true path by which we can perceive God intimately? I have come to believe that no, it is not. Now, I wouldn't say that wanton flights of fantasy should be employed. The road to God must lie in truth, but using some imagination as stepping-stones may be beneficial. For me, if I were to lead a truly Hessychastic existence, I would quickly become frustrated. A part of me would starve! I mean, it isn't meant to be joyless. Indeed, there are stories of deep joy being attained by this route, but does it mean that it's the route for me? No.
While I believe that focused and centring prayer is needful and it is a part of the being still process, I also believe that allowing oneself to be open to the joys of this world is necessary. Then you sort of take those joys and let God guild them. He will even guild sorrows as well I've learned. As Hopkins wrote: "The world is charged with the grandeur of God!" We can come to know Him by knowing the world He has made, for even in its broken state, it is still redolent of its maker! Seasons still come and go. Day succeeds night. Moons wax and wane. The cosmos is beautiful in its intricacies! Music and art, poetry and architecture! All this is not mere human ambition! God is there too!
I no longer pray to God to fulfil my every request, but I do try to remember to thank Him for the little miracles He shows me. I seek to be still and to know Him in many different ways, but my idea of non-action has evolved somewhat into a conscious thing, something like the Taoist idea of positive non-action: to stop willing, to stop desiring, to simply be for a moment or two and to know that I am not alone, that my being comes from God's is-ness, to walk upon the earth and yet to see Paradise around every corner! This is the way I wish to be, and I think this is the way He wishes us to be when all's said and done. Of course, it all starts with humility, with the realization that we are not our own to command, or should not be our own to command. God gave us free will, it is true, but this was out of love for us. He could have made us like robots or unthinking beings but He didn't. He wants us to be active in our own salvation, to recognize our broken selves and then, with His help, to set about making ourselves whole. This typically means confronting nasty bits in ourselves and rooting them out, but I believe that there must always be joy amid all that work. Struggle is all very well, but even in struggle there should be a sense of joy, a sense of struggling for the One you love and who loves you better than any earthly person. This is where contemplative and/or hessychastic stillness can help, and though I am far from being disciplined in such things, I have found that silencing the world around me for a time can be truly refreshing!
Till next time!
Deo Gratias!
"Be still, and know that I am God" is taken from the Psalms, Psalm 45/46 to be exact, depending on what numbering you typically use. In the Septuagint numbering, it's 45, and in the later numbering, such as that used in the King James Bible and the Coverdale Psalter, it's 46. I think in both, it's verse 10. At any rate, I digress. It is a passage which I have always loved, but it is one I have read differently at different times in my life. Now, however, I think I've come to as close to a good understanding of it as I can.
When I was younger, I read "be still" as a command to do nothing, to refrain from acting, to let God do His thing and then all would be well. I could just walk through life and be somehow open to God, (my method of doing this was very vague,) and He would pour grace and good things into me as though I were an empty jug. He would, moreover, do this basically because it was His function, as though He were a tap just looking for something to fill with His divine essence or something. In short, I think it was a very mechanical God I believed in. He was always pouring, and I was just supposed to be receptive. Oh, and you know? This actually worked for a time. I remember thinking that I was very blessed of God because when I felt I just couldn't take a certain test on a certain day, the teacher was suddenly unable to be at school or the test itself wasn't ready for us yet or something. I did have a notion of prayer in those days, but it was largely prayer for specific things to happen. It wasn't prayer as a function of my soul or of myself. I tried my best to refrain from turning events to my favour while fervently calling on God to fix whatever jam I was in, and strangely enough, the jams often were fixed.
However, was this grace? Was this God's gift? There was always a part of me which felt guilty if anything would go the way I wanted it to after I had actually asked God for His help. This part of me knew that something was missing, and that likely God had not directly intervened to allow me a day's reprieve on the test. However, the one good thing that ccame out of those vague and undefined days of faith for me was a sense of gratitude. When I came to take the test the next day, for instance, I tried my absolute best as a way to honour what I saw as a little miracle in my life.
Still, I think this was the only good thing to come out of this odd relationship with God, because the main thing that was lacking from my perception that God's grace was helping me out of jams was the notion of personal responsibility. I found it difficult to believe in God as a personal God, as a God who is, in fact, a person, a being, an intelligence and a consciousness. I was alright with His having created the world, but somehow it was the human interaction thing I could never quite grasp. So for me, being still and knowing that He was God amounted to knowing that He was out of my reach generally, but that if I prayed hard enough, He tended to help me out of my troubles with, as it were, a mere flick of his little finger.
Later, when I was introduced to meditation and such, I began to look at that passage in a different light. At this time, being still meant taking time from my busy day and actually sitting still while trying to quiet my chattering mind, and then into that stillness would come the knowledge of God. Again, I wouldn't call this a personal meeting between two consciousnesses or two presences, but simply a filling of my emptiness with God's fullness. There is a certain wisdom in this I think, but it isn't all. It can still be somewhat mechanical if done without sufficient grounding in some tradition or other. I should also say that this approach really did not work for me in any true sense.
Then, I was introduced to a tradition which is called Hessychasm, which is taken from a Greek word "Hessychia" meaning "inner stillness." This is a tradition in Orthodox Christian monasticism (primarily) which stresses what is called "the prayer of the heart." This begins with a simple prayer, most often: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner," which is repeated with the mouth and with the mind, and which is used to focus the mind and the soul and to bring both down into the heart, which is not the physical heart but which is sort of the centre of the being, and eventually one can reach divine illumination: one can see what is termed the Uncreated Light of God. This is seen with a spiritual eye but I think has been perceived with the physical senses somehow too. This struck a chord with me immediately, because I thought I had experienced something like this Uncreated Light. I don't think this is the case now, but then I certainly did. There is a light which I sometimes see and which I have perceived since I was about eight at various times. It has always seemed very peaceful and very definite, but also very diffuse and sourceless. My left eye, which was the eye that once had light perception, is the one which still seems to see this light. There are times when it is night that it is almost like the sun is filling the place where I am. If this is some perception of God, that is all very well, but I think if I were actually to perceive the Uncreated Light, well, it would be a very different and much more soul-shaking experience!
However, I'm digressing again. The main point here is that there was a time when I longed to practice Hessychasm, to find some monastery which would teach it to me responsibly and slowly. This, I thought, was a way at last to truly be still and know that God is God, and to learn to know Him intimately, not merely with my brain. It is this intimate knowledge or communion which I still seek, but I don't think that pure Hessychasm would work for me, and I'll tell you why.
Hessychasm is very very suspicious of any kind of immaginative thinking where God is concerned. It eschews the brain's activity almost wholly in favour of the heart. The brain is engaged in focusing on a given prayer perhaps, but that's really it's function. The brain or the mind is to be centred in the heart, to become one with the heart through long hours of discipline, but is this the only true path by which we can perceive God intimately? I have come to believe that no, it is not. Now, I wouldn't say that wanton flights of fantasy should be employed. The road to God must lie in truth, but using some imagination as stepping-stones may be beneficial. For me, if I were to lead a truly Hessychastic existence, I would quickly become frustrated. A part of me would starve! I mean, it isn't meant to be joyless. Indeed, there are stories of deep joy being attained by this route, but does it mean that it's the route for me? No.
While I believe that focused and centring prayer is needful and it is a part of the being still process, I also believe that allowing oneself to be open to the joys of this world is necessary. Then you sort of take those joys and let God guild them. He will even guild sorrows as well I've learned. As Hopkins wrote: "The world is charged with the grandeur of God!" We can come to know Him by knowing the world He has made, for even in its broken state, it is still redolent of its maker! Seasons still come and go. Day succeeds night. Moons wax and wane. The cosmos is beautiful in its intricacies! Music and art, poetry and architecture! All this is not mere human ambition! God is there too!
I no longer pray to God to fulfil my every request, but I do try to remember to thank Him for the little miracles He shows me. I seek to be still and to know Him in many different ways, but my idea of non-action has evolved somewhat into a conscious thing, something like the Taoist idea of positive non-action: to stop willing, to stop desiring, to simply be for a moment or two and to know that I am not alone, that my being comes from God's is-ness, to walk upon the earth and yet to see Paradise around every corner! This is the way I wish to be, and I think this is the way He wishes us to be when all's said and done. Of course, it all starts with humility, with the realization that we are not our own to command, or should not be our own to command. God gave us free will, it is true, but this was out of love for us. He could have made us like robots or unthinking beings but He didn't. He wants us to be active in our own salvation, to recognize our broken selves and then, with His help, to set about making ourselves whole. This typically means confronting nasty bits in ourselves and rooting them out, but I believe that there must always be joy amid all that work. Struggle is all very well, but even in struggle there should be a sense of joy, a sense of struggling for the One you love and who loves you better than any earthly person. This is where contemplative and/or hessychastic stillness can help, and though I am far from being disciplined in such things, I have found that silencing the world around me for a time can be truly refreshing!
Till next time!
Deo Gratias!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
A Virgina Monologue
Benedicamus Domino!
I'm going to talk in this post about something I've not discussed in this particular outlet for my ponderings, maunderings and other pithy and not-so-pithy pontifications, and that is: (drum-roll please!) sex, or rather my singular non-obsession with sex. There are times in this world when I truly feel as though I am the ice-queen extraordinaire. Oh, I know otherwise, but when faced with the plethora of ads, shows, songs, movies and books (fifty shades, anyone?) available today, I feel as though I must be somehow damaged or incomplete or something. This is what our culture's obsession with sex often makes me feel like. I am thirty-four years old, and though I have some acquaintance with sexual intimacy, I am, in the classical sense, a virgin. Yep, that's right, a virgin! I simply don't long for that kind of satisfaction, or well, not very often. Why this is I really don't know, but in my better moments, I know that I am not missing something or incomplete, but we women are supposed, in these days, to embrace our sexuality, and there are times when I feel that we are told to do this as a way to fulfil our lives, as if a mere function of the body might be the answer to all our stresses, anxieties, depressions and problems. Oh, I know that responsible educators and such on this subject do not truly think that way, but if you look at what popular culture has done to sex, it has actually cheapened it while supposedly trying to free it from the chains of what are perceived as outmoded and unnecessary institutions such as marriage.
Yes, I am writing rather bitterly about all this, because I do feel bitter about it. I feel bitter about feeling excluded because I have not yet been "fully awakened" in that area. I am somehow still a young girl because of it, as though sexual intercourse is simply a right of passage. I can only imagine how young girls and boys feel! In my time as a teenager, it was less carnivorous an activity, this sexual thing. Now, it seems that "hooking up" is equivalent to proving yourself as a fully-functional teenager! It's equal to what used to be symbolized by a first real kiss, I suppose. Perhaps it has always been this way, but something has changed in the last twenty years I think. Everything has gone faster and farther! To me, sexual intercourse should symbolize the reaching of something, the capstone on the building of a beautiful relationship. It should be about safety, about trust, about mutual consent! I'm not a prude! I don't think sex in itself is dirty or shameful. I just refuse to cheapen it. I refuse to taste its pleasures without sincerity. I have been fortunate to experience some aspects of it, and I do not imagine that I will build it into some unattainably perfect fantasy, but I know in my heart that though I'm thirty-four and have bucked against some nebulous social script or other, I know that when I at last enter into a truly sexual relationship with someone, it will be because we both want it and we both trust each other.
I know that we are meant to feel pleasure. We were made that way, so the idea that pleasure in sex is somehow sin is just preposterous. However, should this be a substitute for a real emotional and mental connection? That, I think would be the sin. If we use the emotions and physical pleasures we feel during sex as a foundation on which to base a relationship, it cannot help but wax and wane, and inevitably, the waning would win. This is what I've always believed. We are reasoning beings, and since we are, we cannot simply cavort like animals. We owe it to ourselves to bring all our faculties to bear on all aspects of our lives. I know that this is difficult, but I think it can be done. Of course, even animals have their seasons and times. This is an interesting thing to contemplate.
So, though there are times when I feel lonely and excluded by being a virgin in her mid-thirties, I know that I have chosen this way of life for a reason. It is my way of negotiating the paths of life in the best way I can. I'm sure it's not right for everyone, but it's been right for me, though it too shall pass, and another right thing will come, and I will move into another phase of my life as a woman and a human being. May God bring all things in His hands to perfection!
Deo Gratias!
I'm going to talk in this post about something I've not discussed in this particular outlet for my ponderings, maunderings and other pithy and not-so-pithy pontifications, and that is: (drum-roll please!) sex, or rather my singular non-obsession with sex. There are times in this world when I truly feel as though I am the ice-queen extraordinaire. Oh, I know otherwise, but when faced with the plethora of ads, shows, songs, movies and books (fifty shades, anyone?) available today, I feel as though I must be somehow damaged or incomplete or something. This is what our culture's obsession with sex often makes me feel like. I am thirty-four years old, and though I have some acquaintance with sexual intimacy, I am, in the classical sense, a virgin. Yep, that's right, a virgin! I simply don't long for that kind of satisfaction, or well, not very often. Why this is I really don't know, but in my better moments, I know that I am not missing something or incomplete, but we women are supposed, in these days, to embrace our sexuality, and there are times when I feel that we are told to do this as a way to fulfil our lives, as if a mere function of the body might be the answer to all our stresses, anxieties, depressions and problems. Oh, I know that responsible educators and such on this subject do not truly think that way, but if you look at what popular culture has done to sex, it has actually cheapened it while supposedly trying to free it from the chains of what are perceived as outmoded and unnecessary institutions such as marriage.
Yes, I am writing rather bitterly about all this, because I do feel bitter about it. I feel bitter about feeling excluded because I have not yet been "fully awakened" in that area. I am somehow still a young girl because of it, as though sexual intercourse is simply a right of passage. I can only imagine how young girls and boys feel! In my time as a teenager, it was less carnivorous an activity, this sexual thing. Now, it seems that "hooking up" is equivalent to proving yourself as a fully-functional teenager! It's equal to what used to be symbolized by a first real kiss, I suppose. Perhaps it has always been this way, but something has changed in the last twenty years I think. Everything has gone faster and farther! To me, sexual intercourse should symbolize the reaching of something, the capstone on the building of a beautiful relationship. It should be about safety, about trust, about mutual consent! I'm not a prude! I don't think sex in itself is dirty or shameful. I just refuse to cheapen it. I refuse to taste its pleasures without sincerity. I have been fortunate to experience some aspects of it, and I do not imagine that I will build it into some unattainably perfect fantasy, but I know in my heart that though I'm thirty-four and have bucked against some nebulous social script or other, I know that when I at last enter into a truly sexual relationship with someone, it will be because we both want it and we both trust each other.
I know that we are meant to feel pleasure. We were made that way, so the idea that pleasure in sex is somehow sin is just preposterous. However, should this be a substitute for a real emotional and mental connection? That, I think would be the sin. If we use the emotions and physical pleasures we feel during sex as a foundation on which to base a relationship, it cannot help but wax and wane, and inevitably, the waning would win. This is what I've always believed. We are reasoning beings, and since we are, we cannot simply cavort like animals. We owe it to ourselves to bring all our faculties to bear on all aspects of our lives. I know that this is difficult, but I think it can be done. Of course, even animals have their seasons and times. This is an interesting thing to contemplate.
So, though there are times when I feel lonely and excluded by being a virgin in her mid-thirties, I know that I have chosen this way of life for a reason. It is my way of negotiating the paths of life in the best way I can. I'm sure it's not right for everyone, but it's been right for me, though it too shall pass, and another right thing will come, and I will move into another phase of my life as a woman and a human being. May God bring all things in His hands to perfection!
Deo Gratias!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A New Year and a New Me!
Benedicamus Domino!
It is, yet again, a new year, and while this blog has a few months to go before it reaches its first anniversary, I feel it necessary to go back to the beginning of things and to see where I am now.
I began this blog as a way to find true and sacred joy in my life. It is supposed to be based on the premmice that true joy is only found through both gratitude and charity, through thankfulness and sacrifice. I have based this on the Eucharist: our offering of simple things to Christ and His changing those simple things into glorious and new creations by His grace! Whether you yourself celebrate Communion as a sacrament or not, I think we can all agree that the core of Christian life ought to be the gradual changing of our hearts, souls, minds and even our bodies into something better than we currently are. Christ came not to destroy, but to fulfil. However, he also came not with peace, but with a sword, and this sword is designed to cut away the bonds that hold us down: and really, all these passions, sins, vices, selfish desires, etc., all boil down to addiction of one sort or another. Whether we are addicted to food, to praise, to revenge, to things, to lust, it is all about the constant need to have what we had before and the diminishing return on the pleasure that this repetition causes.
So, I began this blog as a way to both discover the bonds holding me from the fullness of Christ's joy and also to look for ways to begin to free myself. I do believe the old saying that "There may be fairies, there may be elves, but God helps those who help themselves." One has to actually make an effort to move forward, and I feel that in some small way, I have done this. So, I will present the resolutions I made when beginning this journey of mine, and will now discuss how far I have come with each. Needless to say, much work has still to be done.
This is based on the book: The Happiness Project, by Grechen Reubens.
Journey Toward Joy
Method: This journey toward joywill be cyclical. It will not have any specific time-limit, but it will be ongoing.
Materials needed: computer for blogging, exercise equipment, books to read, ideas for writing, musical instruments and ways to use them successfully, friends,
family and anything else which may come up in the process.
Hypothesis: I can live joyfully if I choose to do so. If I do things which bring my deep self joy, I will be able to calm all the little desires of my
more superficial ego
Resolutions: Nine resolutions, each with three aspects.
1. Become more energetic.
A. Body: go to bed earlier and at a regular time and wake up earlier and at a regular time. Exercise and eat better. (Still needs work, but always trying.)
B. Mind: Watch less TV, preferably no more than an hour or so a day. Read when possible and write as much as possible. (Still needs tonnes of work!)
Spirit: Pray regularly and observe the calendar of the church as to season, fast or feast, and any other thing that must be observed. Also, enjoy the natural
world as much as possible. (You guessed it: still! needs! work!)
2. Cultivate relationships.
A. Body: Don't be afraid of the phone and make efforts to visit people more often. (Have done this to some extent, but, say it with me! Still needs work!)
B. Mind: Think of people on their birthdays and other special days and remember to talk to them on those days. (This has been done to largely good effect and will be continued to be observed.)
C. Pray for individuals by name and also listen to them when they speak, because they can be teachers. (Needs work, but has begun to happen.)
3. Develop talents of writing and music.
A. Body: Make time in the day to play music and to write stories and/or poetry. Perhaps find a writing course or a writing group to be a part of. Also
play music in public and market the cd more. (Music thing needs work, but have managed to begin a really good novel which I think would be worth publishing. Also completed the National Novel-writing Month contest for the first time in my three or four years participating. Also, I did enter the international song-writing contest earlier this year and have joined a few sites designed to market the music to a wider audience.)
B. Mind: Think of yourself as a writer and a musician. Learn to be these things in earnest and if this means doing these things professionally, then find
ways to make it happen. (This is really coming along. I am learning not to be afraid of my Bohemian side and to embrace it. I think this will lead to good things.)
C. Spirit: Stop feeling guilty that you have the talents that you have. Let them exist and grow as they will, while all the while thanking God that you
have them in the first place. Also, pay it forward. If you learn things about music and/or writing that will help other people, pass them on. (This too is beginning to change, though guilt about good things in my life will be an ongoing struggle I think.)
4. Become more passionate about life. Don't procrastinate or deny yourself joy just because you think others will think you weird or odd.
A. Body: Don't let aches and pains hold you down. Learn to listen to what your body needs and follow its advice. (This is coming along.)
B. Mind: Don't second-guess yourself too much. A healthy dose of skepticism is good, but not when it becomes a barrier to trying new things or doing what
you love. (This is changing as well, thank God!)
C. Spirit: Pray about the things you want to do with your life. Pray with boldness and humility, always asking God that "Thy will be done" in all things. (I am trying to do this, though I think I've just begun to figure out what it is I want.)
5. Live in a more mindful way. Live in the moment.
A. Body: Remember that you live in this body and that it is the place from which you interact with the world. Treat it with respect and dignity and use
it to reflect your inner self. (This needs work, but then so does the inner self.)
B. Mind: Think about your blessings more than about your woes. Be grateful whenever possible and remember that life only sucks if you say it does. Even
if bad things come, let them come and deal with them, but don't let them colour the rest of your life. (I think this is starting to happen. It's a good way to be!)
C. Spirit: Thank God every time you wake up in the morning and every time you go to bed at night. Thank Him for everything, because everything is a lesson
and a blessing, even if it comes in the disguise of a misfortune. Own your emotions but don't let them own you. Never go to bed angry! (This needs work, but I'm always trying to work on it.)
6. Learn to let go.
A. Body: Learn to let go of cravings, addictions and other things which hold you down, but don't deprive yourself too much. Also, de-clutter your life
and get rid of unused and unnecessary stuff. (This is beginning to happen. I'm learning to value physical things a little differently than I did, and except in rare cases, the value is lessening over time.)
B. Mind: Learn to let go of the past and negative attitudes about yourself. Embrace change. (This sounds so self-help-ish, but it's really true! Be the change you want to see in the world is what Gandhi said, and I think he's right.)
C. Spirit: Learn to forgive those whom you must forgive and don't hold grudges. (This is definitely beginning to happen, and it's a freeing feeling when you can let stuff like that go. Still, it's always difficult.)
7. Lead a more ordered life.
A. Body: Take care of your body as though it were something sacred, because it is. Also, let it live in a peace-promoting and ordered environment. (My environment ordered? Likely never in a million years! However, the chaos is being controlled a little better than it has been, so that's a good thing.)
B. Mind: Calm your thoughts and try to let them flow in a more ordered way. This isn't about logic so much as it is about calmness. (This is beginning to happen. There are many times when I am able to set my emotions (anger generally) aside and let my mind look at something logically and calmly. Unfortunately, the angry outburst still comes first, so this must be dealt with.)
C. Spirit: Don't neglect your spiritual joy. Order your day to promote this. (Yeah. This isn't happening so much in a consistent way, but I know that when it does happen, I am better, less prone to depressive episodes and such.)
8. Make every day an adventure.
A. Body: Get directly out of bed when the alarm goes off in the morning. Arm yourself as though you were going on a quest. Each day is a new adventure,
so act like it. (Totally needs work!!!)
B. Mind: Think of your day in terms of things you get to do rather than things you have to do. Even if they are have-tos, think of them in a more adventurous
way. (This is starting to happen, and it really does make a difference!)
C. Spirit: Don't be afraid to dream a little. Think of new and exciting things around every corner. (Sometimes I think I dream too much, but some of those dreams have come true this year, so perhaps dreaming isn't such a bad thing after all.)
9. Be moderate in all things.
A. Body: Remember that too much of anything can be as bad as too little. Make sure your body doesn't betray you. Treat money in a more mindful and moderate
way. (Still need to work on the body. It seems to demand a balance and when I misuse that balance, it tells me so in no uncertain terms. Money, however, is becoming less of a concern.)
B. Mind: Remember that the middle way is the best. Never let passions trump responsibilities, and never let responsibilities deaden passions. Manage time
appropriately. (This is starting to happen as well. Glory to God!)
C. Spirit: Never forget God in all this self-exploration. Never think yourself on firm footing. Always be journeying towards holiness and remember that
falling and getting up again is a part of life. (By "holiness," I mean healthiness. I mean salvation. I mean becoming a whole person at last. This is the journey I want to be on, and I am trying every day to be on it. However, though the road is straight, the destination is not really a destination. I think Lao Tsu said it best: "A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arrival." If I can let Christ steer my little boat and simply address myself to the rowing, then I know He'll lead me right.)
So, I feel that these resolutions still hold water and are sound, and since they still need work, there's no reason to get rid of them or make any new ones. However, I will say that when I began this blog, I never expected to find that in less than a year of doing this conscious journey both into and out of myself, I would have found a person who has the potential to be a true partner in life. It seems odd to say this even now, but when it's right, it's right, and you know it. I think God is basically breathing a sigh of relief right now that we two have finally cut through all the other stuff and found each other at last! At least, I can see Him being relieved on my part, since I seem to make a career out of running away from the obvious joys in life. "There's no place like home," Dorothy said as she clicked her heels and returned from Oz, and I believe this as well. Sometimes our homes are physical places, sometimes they are family and friends, and sometimes, just sometimes, they are found in the connection between you and another person. I've secretly longed for this for a long time, and I think, God willing and all other things being equal, I've found it!
So, the journey continues, but it is not a solitary one. Indeed, it was never truly solitary, but it feels as though I've gotten a great big "Amen!" from God that I'm heading on the right track. So, I will say as I close this entry on the first day of 2013,
Deo, O Deo Gratias!!!
It is, yet again, a new year, and while this blog has a few months to go before it reaches its first anniversary, I feel it necessary to go back to the beginning of things and to see where I am now.
I began this blog as a way to find true and sacred joy in my life. It is supposed to be based on the premmice that true joy is only found through both gratitude and charity, through thankfulness and sacrifice. I have based this on the Eucharist: our offering of simple things to Christ and His changing those simple things into glorious and new creations by His grace! Whether you yourself celebrate Communion as a sacrament or not, I think we can all agree that the core of Christian life ought to be the gradual changing of our hearts, souls, minds and even our bodies into something better than we currently are. Christ came not to destroy, but to fulfil. However, he also came not with peace, but with a sword, and this sword is designed to cut away the bonds that hold us down: and really, all these passions, sins, vices, selfish desires, etc., all boil down to addiction of one sort or another. Whether we are addicted to food, to praise, to revenge, to things, to lust, it is all about the constant need to have what we had before and the diminishing return on the pleasure that this repetition causes.
So, I began this blog as a way to both discover the bonds holding me from the fullness of Christ's joy and also to look for ways to begin to free myself. I do believe the old saying that "There may be fairies, there may be elves, but God helps those who help themselves." One has to actually make an effort to move forward, and I feel that in some small way, I have done this. So, I will present the resolutions I made when beginning this journey of mine, and will now discuss how far I have come with each. Needless to say, much work has still to be done.
This is based on the book: The Happiness Project, by Grechen Reubens.
Journey Toward Joy
Method: This journey toward joywill be cyclical. It will not have any specific time-limit, but it will be ongoing.
Materials needed: computer for blogging, exercise equipment, books to read, ideas for writing, musical instruments and ways to use them successfully, friends,
family and anything else which may come up in the process.
Hypothesis: I can live joyfully if I choose to do so. If I do things which bring my deep self joy, I will be able to calm all the little desires of my
more superficial ego
Resolutions: Nine resolutions, each with three aspects.
1. Become more energetic.
A. Body: go to bed earlier and at a regular time and wake up earlier and at a regular time. Exercise and eat better. (Still needs work, but always trying.)
B. Mind: Watch less TV, preferably no more than an hour or so a day. Read when possible and write as much as possible. (Still needs tonnes of work!)
Spirit: Pray regularly and observe the calendar of the church as to season, fast or feast, and any other thing that must be observed. Also, enjoy the natural
world as much as possible. (You guessed it: still! needs! work!)
2. Cultivate relationships.
A. Body: Don't be afraid of the phone and make efforts to visit people more often. (Have done this to some extent, but, say it with me! Still needs work!)
B. Mind: Think of people on their birthdays and other special days and remember to talk to them on those days. (This has been done to largely good effect and will be continued to be observed.)
C. Pray for individuals by name and also listen to them when they speak, because they can be teachers. (Needs work, but has begun to happen.)
3. Develop talents of writing and music.
A. Body: Make time in the day to play music and to write stories and/or poetry. Perhaps find a writing course or a writing group to be a part of. Also
play music in public and market the cd more. (Music thing needs work, but have managed to begin a really good novel which I think would be worth publishing. Also completed the National Novel-writing Month contest for the first time in my three or four years participating. Also, I did enter the international song-writing contest earlier this year and have joined a few sites designed to market the music to a wider audience.)
B. Mind: Think of yourself as a writer and a musician. Learn to be these things in earnest and if this means doing these things professionally, then find
ways to make it happen. (This is really coming along. I am learning not to be afraid of my Bohemian side and to embrace it. I think this will lead to good things.)
C. Spirit: Stop feeling guilty that you have the talents that you have. Let them exist and grow as they will, while all the while thanking God that you
have them in the first place. Also, pay it forward. If you learn things about music and/or writing that will help other people, pass them on. (This too is beginning to change, though guilt about good things in my life will be an ongoing struggle I think.)
4. Become more passionate about life. Don't procrastinate or deny yourself joy just because you think others will think you weird or odd.
A. Body: Don't let aches and pains hold you down. Learn to listen to what your body needs and follow its advice. (This is coming along.)
B. Mind: Don't second-guess yourself too much. A healthy dose of skepticism is good, but not when it becomes a barrier to trying new things or doing what
you love. (This is changing as well, thank God!)
C. Spirit: Pray about the things you want to do with your life. Pray with boldness and humility, always asking God that "Thy will be done" in all things. (I am trying to do this, though I think I've just begun to figure out what it is I want.)
5. Live in a more mindful way. Live in the moment.
A. Body: Remember that you live in this body and that it is the place from which you interact with the world. Treat it with respect and dignity and use
it to reflect your inner self. (This needs work, but then so does the inner self.)
B. Mind: Think about your blessings more than about your woes. Be grateful whenever possible and remember that life only sucks if you say it does. Even
if bad things come, let them come and deal with them, but don't let them colour the rest of your life. (I think this is starting to happen. It's a good way to be!)
C. Spirit: Thank God every time you wake up in the morning and every time you go to bed at night. Thank Him for everything, because everything is a lesson
and a blessing, even if it comes in the disguise of a misfortune. Own your emotions but don't let them own you. Never go to bed angry! (This needs work, but I'm always trying to work on it.)
6. Learn to let go.
A. Body: Learn to let go of cravings, addictions and other things which hold you down, but don't deprive yourself too much. Also, de-clutter your life
and get rid of unused and unnecessary stuff. (This is beginning to happen. I'm learning to value physical things a little differently than I did, and except in rare cases, the value is lessening over time.)
B. Mind: Learn to let go of the past and negative attitudes about yourself. Embrace change. (This sounds so self-help-ish, but it's really true! Be the change you want to see in the world is what Gandhi said, and I think he's right.)
C. Spirit: Learn to forgive those whom you must forgive and don't hold grudges. (This is definitely beginning to happen, and it's a freeing feeling when you can let stuff like that go. Still, it's always difficult.)
7. Lead a more ordered life.
A. Body: Take care of your body as though it were something sacred, because it is. Also, let it live in a peace-promoting and ordered environment. (My environment ordered? Likely never in a million years! However, the chaos is being controlled a little better than it has been, so that's a good thing.)
B. Mind: Calm your thoughts and try to let them flow in a more ordered way. This isn't about logic so much as it is about calmness. (This is beginning to happen. There are many times when I am able to set my emotions (anger generally) aside and let my mind look at something logically and calmly. Unfortunately, the angry outburst still comes first, so this must be dealt with.)
C. Spirit: Don't neglect your spiritual joy. Order your day to promote this. (Yeah. This isn't happening so much in a consistent way, but I know that when it does happen, I am better, less prone to depressive episodes and such.)
8. Make every day an adventure.
A. Body: Get directly out of bed when the alarm goes off in the morning. Arm yourself as though you were going on a quest. Each day is a new adventure,
so act like it. (Totally needs work!!!)
B. Mind: Think of your day in terms of things you get to do rather than things you have to do. Even if they are have-tos, think of them in a more adventurous
way. (This is starting to happen, and it really does make a difference!)
C. Spirit: Don't be afraid to dream a little. Think of new and exciting things around every corner. (Sometimes I think I dream too much, but some of those dreams have come true this year, so perhaps dreaming isn't such a bad thing after all.)
9. Be moderate in all things.
A. Body: Remember that too much of anything can be as bad as too little. Make sure your body doesn't betray you. Treat money in a more mindful and moderate
way. (Still need to work on the body. It seems to demand a balance and when I misuse that balance, it tells me so in no uncertain terms. Money, however, is becoming less of a concern.)
B. Mind: Remember that the middle way is the best. Never let passions trump responsibilities, and never let responsibilities deaden passions. Manage time
appropriately. (This is starting to happen as well. Glory to God!)
C. Spirit: Never forget God in all this self-exploration. Never think yourself on firm footing. Always be journeying towards holiness and remember that
falling and getting up again is a part of life. (By "holiness," I mean healthiness. I mean salvation. I mean becoming a whole person at last. This is the journey I want to be on, and I am trying every day to be on it. However, though the road is straight, the destination is not really a destination. I think Lao Tsu said it best: "A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arrival." If I can let Christ steer my little boat and simply address myself to the rowing, then I know He'll lead me right.)
So, I feel that these resolutions still hold water and are sound, and since they still need work, there's no reason to get rid of them or make any new ones. However, I will say that when I began this blog, I never expected to find that in less than a year of doing this conscious journey both into and out of myself, I would have found a person who has the potential to be a true partner in life. It seems odd to say this even now, but when it's right, it's right, and you know it. I think God is basically breathing a sigh of relief right now that we two have finally cut through all the other stuff and found each other at last! At least, I can see Him being relieved on my part, since I seem to make a career out of running away from the obvious joys in life. "There's no place like home," Dorothy said as she clicked her heels and returned from Oz, and I believe this as well. Sometimes our homes are physical places, sometimes they are family and friends, and sometimes, just sometimes, they are found in the connection between you and another person. I've secretly longed for this for a long time, and I think, God willing and all other things being equal, I've found it!
So, the journey continues, but it is not a solitary one. Indeed, it was never truly solitary, but it feels as though I've gotten a great big "Amen!" from God that I'm heading on the right track. So, I will say as I close this entry on the first day of 2013,
Deo, O Deo Gratias!!!
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