Benedicamus Domino!
"Be still, and know that I am God" is taken from the Psalms, Psalm 45/46 to be exact, depending on what numbering you typically use. In the Septuagint numbering, it's 45, and in the later numbering, such as that used in the King James Bible and the Coverdale Psalter, it's 46. I think in both, it's verse 10. At any rate, I digress. It is a passage which I have always loved, but it is one I have read differently at different times in my life. Now, however, I think I've come to as close to a good understanding of it as I can.
When I was younger, I read "be still" as a command to do nothing, to refrain from acting, to let God do His thing and then all would be well. I could just walk through life and be somehow open to God, (my method of doing this was very vague,) and He would pour grace and good things into me as though I were an empty jug. He would, moreover, do this basically because it was His function, as though He were a tap just looking for something to fill with His divine essence or something. In short, I think it was a very mechanical God I believed in. He was always pouring, and I was just supposed to be receptive. Oh, and you know? This actually worked for a time. I remember thinking that I was very blessed of God because when I felt I just couldn't take a certain test on a certain day, the teacher was suddenly unable to be at school or the test itself wasn't ready for us yet or something. I did have a notion of prayer in those days, but it was largely prayer for specific things to happen. It wasn't prayer as a function of my soul or of myself. I tried my best to refrain from turning events to my favour while fervently calling on God to fix whatever jam I was in, and strangely enough, the jams often were fixed.
However, was this grace? Was this God's gift? There was always a part of me which felt guilty if anything would go the way I wanted it to after I had actually asked God for His help. This part of me knew that something was missing, and that likely God had not directly intervened to allow me a day's reprieve on the test. However, the one good thing that ccame out of those vague and undefined days of faith for me was a sense of gratitude. When I came to take the test the next day, for instance, I tried my absolute best as a way to honour what I saw as a little miracle in my life.
Still, I think this was the only good thing to come out of this odd relationship with God, because the main thing that was lacking from my perception that God's grace was helping me out of jams was the notion of personal responsibility. I found it difficult to believe in God as a personal God, as a God who is, in fact, a person, a being, an intelligence and a consciousness. I was alright with His having created the world, but somehow it was the human interaction thing I could never quite grasp. So for me, being still and knowing that He was God amounted to knowing that He was out of my reach generally, but that if I prayed hard enough, He tended to help me out of my troubles with, as it were, a mere flick of his little finger.
Later, when I was introduced to meditation and such, I began to look at that passage in a different light. At this time, being still meant taking time from my busy day and actually sitting still while trying to quiet my chattering mind, and then into that stillness would come the knowledge of God. Again, I wouldn't call this a personal meeting between two consciousnesses or two presences, but simply a filling of my emptiness with God's fullness. There is a certain wisdom in this I think, but it isn't all. It can still be somewhat mechanical if done without sufficient grounding in some tradition or other. I should also say that this approach really did not work for me in any true sense.
Then, I was introduced to a tradition which is called Hessychasm, which is taken from a Greek word "Hessychia" meaning "inner stillness." This is a tradition in Orthodox Christian monasticism (primarily) which stresses what is called "the prayer of the heart." This begins with a simple prayer, most often: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner," which is repeated with the mouth and with the mind, and which is used to focus the mind and the soul and to bring both down into the heart, which is not the physical heart but which is sort of the centre of the being, and eventually one can reach divine illumination: one can see what is termed the Uncreated Light of God. This is seen with a spiritual eye but I think has been perceived with the physical senses somehow too. This struck a chord with me immediately, because I thought I had experienced something like this Uncreated Light. I don't think this is the case now, but then I certainly did. There is a light which I sometimes see and which I have perceived since I was about eight at various times. It has always seemed very peaceful and very definite, but also very diffuse and sourceless. My left eye, which was the eye that once had light perception, is the one which still seems to see this light. There are times when it is night that it is almost like the sun is filling the place where I am. If this is some perception of God, that is all very well, but I think if I were actually to perceive the Uncreated Light, well, it would be a very different and much more soul-shaking experience!
However, I'm digressing again. The main point here is that there was a time when I longed to practice Hessychasm, to find some monastery which would teach it to me responsibly and slowly. This, I thought, was a way at last to truly be still and know that God is God, and to learn to know Him intimately, not merely with my brain. It is this intimate knowledge or communion which I still seek, but I don't think that pure Hessychasm would work for me, and I'll tell you why.
Hessychasm is very very suspicious of any kind of immaginative thinking where God is concerned. It eschews the brain's activity almost wholly in favour of the heart. The brain is engaged in focusing on a given prayer perhaps, but that's really it's function. The brain or the mind is to be centred in the heart, to become one with the heart through long hours of discipline, but is this the only true path by which we can perceive God intimately? I have come to believe that no, it is not. Now, I wouldn't say that wanton flights of fantasy should be employed. The road to God must lie in truth, but using some imagination as stepping-stones may be beneficial. For me, if I were to lead a truly Hessychastic existence, I would quickly become frustrated. A part of me would starve! I mean, it isn't meant to be joyless. Indeed, there are stories of deep joy being attained by this route, but does it mean that it's the route for me? No.
While I believe that focused and centring prayer is needful and it is a part of the being still process, I also believe that allowing oneself to be open to the joys of this world is necessary. Then you sort of take those joys and let God guild them. He will even guild sorrows as well I've learned. As Hopkins wrote: "The world is charged with the grandeur of God!" We can come to know Him by knowing the world He has made, for even in its broken state, it is still redolent of its maker! Seasons still come and go. Day succeeds night. Moons wax and wane. The cosmos is beautiful in its intricacies! Music and art, poetry and architecture! All this is not mere human ambition! God is there too!
I no longer pray to God to fulfil my every request, but I do try to remember to thank Him for the little miracles He shows me. I seek to be still and to know Him in many different ways, but my idea of non-action has evolved somewhat into a conscious thing, something like the Taoist idea of positive non-action: to stop willing, to stop desiring, to simply be for a moment or two and to know that I am not alone, that my being comes from God's is-ness, to walk upon the earth and yet to see Paradise around every corner! This is the way I wish to be, and I think this is the way He wishes us to be when all's said and done. Of course, it all starts with humility, with the realization that we are not our own to command, or should not be our own to command. God gave us free will, it is true, but this was out of love for us. He could have made us like robots or unthinking beings but He didn't. He wants us to be active in our own salvation, to recognize our broken selves and then, with His help, to set about making ourselves whole. This typically means confronting nasty bits in ourselves and rooting them out, but I believe that there must always be joy amid all that work. Struggle is all very well, but even in struggle there should be a sense of joy, a sense of struggling for the One you love and who loves you better than any earthly person. This is where contemplative and/or hessychastic stillness can help, and though I am far from being disciplined in such things, I have found that silencing the world around me for a time can be truly refreshing!
Till next time!
Deo Gratias!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
A Virgina Monologue
Benedicamus Domino!
I'm going to talk in this post about something I've not discussed in this particular outlet for my ponderings, maunderings and other pithy and not-so-pithy pontifications, and that is: (drum-roll please!) sex, or rather my singular non-obsession with sex. There are times in this world when I truly feel as though I am the ice-queen extraordinaire. Oh, I know otherwise, but when faced with the plethora of ads, shows, songs, movies and books (fifty shades, anyone?) available today, I feel as though I must be somehow damaged or incomplete or something. This is what our culture's obsession with sex often makes me feel like. I am thirty-four years old, and though I have some acquaintance with sexual intimacy, I am, in the classical sense, a virgin. Yep, that's right, a virgin! I simply don't long for that kind of satisfaction, or well, not very often. Why this is I really don't know, but in my better moments, I know that I am not missing something or incomplete, but we women are supposed, in these days, to embrace our sexuality, and there are times when I feel that we are told to do this as a way to fulfil our lives, as if a mere function of the body might be the answer to all our stresses, anxieties, depressions and problems. Oh, I know that responsible educators and such on this subject do not truly think that way, but if you look at what popular culture has done to sex, it has actually cheapened it while supposedly trying to free it from the chains of what are perceived as outmoded and unnecessary institutions such as marriage.
Yes, I am writing rather bitterly about all this, because I do feel bitter about it. I feel bitter about feeling excluded because I have not yet been "fully awakened" in that area. I am somehow still a young girl because of it, as though sexual intercourse is simply a right of passage. I can only imagine how young girls and boys feel! In my time as a teenager, it was less carnivorous an activity, this sexual thing. Now, it seems that "hooking up" is equivalent to proving yourself as a fully-functional teenager! It's equal to what used to be symbolized by a first real kiss, I suppose. Perhaps it has always been this way, but something has changed in the last twenty years I think. Everything has gone faster and farther! To me, sexual intercourse should symbolize the reaching of something, the capstone on the building of a beautiful relationship. It should be about safety, about trust, about mutual consent! I'm not a prude! I don't think sex in itself is dirty or shameful. I just refuse to cheapen it. I refuse to taste its pleasures without sincerity. I have been fortunate to experience some aspects of it, and I do not imagine that I will build it into some unattainably perfect fantasy, but I know in my heart that though I'm thirty-four and have bucked against some nebulous social script or other, I know that when I at last enter into a truly sexual relationship with someone, it will be because we both want it and we both trust each other.
I know that we are meant to feel pleasure. We were made that way, so the idea that pleasure in sex is somehow sin is just preposterous. However, should this be a substitute for a real emotional and mental connection? That, I think would be the sin. If we use the emotions and physical pleasures we feel during sex as a foundation on which to base a relationship, it cannot help but wax and wane, and inevitably, the waning would win. This is what I've always believed. We are reasoning beings, and since we are, we cannot simply cavort like animals. We owe it to ourselves to bring all our faculties to bear on all aspects of our lives. I know that this is difficult, but I think it can be done. Of course, even animals have their seasons and times. This is an interesting thing to contemplate.
So, though there are times when I feel lonely and excluded by being a virgin in her mid-thirties, I know that I have chosen this way of life for a reason. It is my way of negotiating the paths of life in the best way I can. I'm sure it's not right for everyone, but it's been right for me, though it too shall pass, and another right thing will come, and I will move into another phase of my life as a woman and a human being. May God bring all things in His hands to perfection!
Deo Gratias!
I'm going to talk in this post about something I've not discussed in this particular outlet for my ponderings, maunderings and other pithy and not-so-pithy pontifications, and that is: (drum-roll please!) sex, or rather my singular non-obsession with sex. There are times in this world when I truly feel as though I am the ice-queen extraordinaire. Oh, I know otherwise, but when faced with the plethora of ads, shows, songs, movies and books (fifty shades, anyone?) available today, I feel as though I must be somehow damaged or incomplete or something. This is what our culture's obsession with sex often makes me feel like. I am thirty-four years old, and though I have some acquaintance with sexual intimacy, I am, in the classical sense, a virgin. Yep, that's right, a virgin! I simply don't long for that kind of satisfaction, or well, not very often. Why this is I really don't know, but in my better moments, I know that I am not missing something or incomplete, but we women are supposed, in these days, to embrace our sexuality, and there are times when I feel that we are told to do this as a way to fulfil our lives, as if a mere function of the body might be the answer to all our stresses, anxieties, depressions and problems. Oh, I know that responsible educators and such on this subject do not truly think that way, but if you look at what popular culture has done to sex, it has actually cheapened it while supposedly trying to free it from the chains of what are perceived as outmoded and unnecessary institutions such as marriage.
Yes, I am writing rather bitterly about all this, because I do feel bitter about it. I feel bitter about feeling excluded because I have not yet been "fully awakened" in that area. I am somehow still a young girl because of it, as though sexual intercourse is simply a right of passage. I can only imagine how young girls and boys feel! In my time as a teenager, it was less carnivorous an activity, this sexual thing. Now, it seems that "hooking up" is equivalent to proving yourself as a fully-functional teenager! It's equal to what used to be symbolized by a first real kiss, I suppose. Perhaps it has always been this way, but something has changed in the last twenty years I think. Everything has gone faster and farther! To me, sexual intercourse should symbolize the reaching of something, the capstone on the building of a beautiful relationship. It should be about safety, about trust, about mutual consent! I'm not a prude! I don't think sex in itself is dirty or shameful. I just refuse to cheapen it. I refuse to taste its pleasures without sincerity. I have been fortunate to experience some aspects of it, and I do not imagine that I will build it into some unattainably perfect fantasy, but I know in my heart that though I'm thirty-four and have bucked against some nebulous social script or other, I know that when I at last enter into a truly sexual relationship with someone, it will be because we both want it and we both trust each other.
I know that we are meant to feel pleasure. We were made that way, so the idea that pleasure in sex is somehow sin is just preposterous. However, should this be a substitute for a real emotional and mental connection? That, I think would be the sin. If we use the emotions and physical pleasures we feel during sex as a foundation on which to base a relationship, it cannot help but wax and wane, and inevitably, the waning would win. This is what I've always believed. We are reasoning beings, and since we are, we cannot simply cavort like animals. We owe it to ourselves to bring all our faculties to bear on all aspects of our lives. I know that this is difficult, but I think it can be done. Of course, even animals have their seasons and times. This is an interesting thing to contemplate.
So, though there are times when I feel lonely and excluded by being a virgin in her mid-thirties, I know that I have chosen this way of life for a reason. It is my way of negotiating the paths of life in the best way I can. I'm sure it's not right for everyone, but it's been right for me, though it too shall pass, and another right thing will come, and I will move into another phase of my life as a woman and a human being. May God bring all things in His hands to perfection!
Deo Gratias!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A New Year and a New Me!
Benedicamus Domino!
It is, yet again, a new year, and while this blog has a few months to go before it reaches its first anniversary, I feel it necessary to go back to the beginning of things and to see where I am now.
I began this blog as a way to find true and sacred joy in my life. It is supposed to be based on the premmice that true joy is only found through both gratitude and charity, through thankfulness and sacrifice. I have based this on the Eucharist: our offering of simple things to Christ and His changing those simple things into glorious and new creations by His grace! Whether you yourself celebrate Communion as a sacrament or not, I think we can all agree that the core of Christian life ought to be the gradual changing of our hearts, souls, minds and even our bodies into something better than we currently are. Christ came not to destroy, but to fulfil. However, he also came not with peace, but with a sword, and this sword is designed to cut away the bonds that hold us down: and really, all these passions, sins, vices, selfish desires, etc., all boil down to addiction of one sort or another. Whether we are addicted to food, to praise, to revenge, to things, to lust, it is all about the constant need to have what we had before and the diminishing return on the pleasure that this repetition causes.
So, I began this blog as a way to both discover the bonds holding me from the fullness of Christ's joy and also to look for ways to begin to free myself. I do believe the old saying that "There may be fairies, there may be elves, but God helps those who help themselves." One has to actually make an effort to move forward, and I feel that in some small way, I have done this. So, I will present the resolutions I made when beginning this journey of mine, and will now discuss how far I have come with each. Needless to say, much work has still to be done.
This is based on the book: The Happiness Project, by Grechen Reubens.
Journey Toward Joy
Method: This journey toward joywill be cyclical. It will not have any specific time-limit, but it will be ongoing.
Materials needed: computer for blogging, exercise equipment, books to read, ideas for writing, musical instruments and ways to use them successfully, friends,
family and anything else which may come up in the process.
Hypothesis: I can live joyfully if I choose to do so. If I do things which bring my deep self joy, I will be able to calm all the little desires of my
more superficial ego
Resolutions: Nine resolutions, each with three aspects.
1. Become more energetic.
A. Body: go to bed earlier and at a regular time and wake up earlier and at a regular time. Exercise and eat better. (Still needs work, but always trying.)
B. Mind: Watch less TV, preferably no more than an hour or so a day. Read when possible and write as much as possible. (Still needs tonnes of work!)
Spirit: Pray regularly and observe the calendar of the church as to season, fast or feast, and any other thing that must be observed. Also, enjoy the natural
world as much as possible. (You guessed it: still! needs! work!)
2. Cultivate relationships.
A. Body: Don't be afraid of the phone and make efforts to visit people more often. (Have done this to some extent, but, say it with me! Still needs work!)
B. Mind: Think of people on their birthdays and other special days and remember to talk to them on those days. (This has been done to largely good effect and will be continued to be observed.)
C. Pray for individuals by name and also listen to them when they speak, because they can be teachers. (Needs work, but has begun to happen.)
3. Develop talents of writing and music.
A. Body: Make time in the day to play music and to write stories and/or poetry. Perhaps find a writing course or a writing group to be a part of. Also
play music in public and market the cd more. (Music thing needs work, but have managed to begin a really good novel which I think would be worth publishing. Also completed the National Novel-writing Month contest for the first time in my three or four years participating. Also, I did enter the international song-writing contest earlier this year and have joined a few sites designed to market the music to a wider audience.)
B. Mind: Think of yourself as a writer and a musician. Learn to be these things in earnest and if this means doing these things professionally, then find
ways to make it happen. (This is really coming along. I am learning not to be afraid of my Bohemian side and to embrace it. I think this will lead to good things.)
C. Spirit: Stop feeling guilty that you have the talents that you have. Let them exist and grow as they will, while all the while thanking God that you
have them in the first place. Also, pay it forward. If you learn things about music and/or writing that will help other people, pass them on. (This too is beginning to change, though guilt about good things in my life will be an ongoing struggle I think.)
4. Become more passionate about life. Don't procrastinate or deny yourself joy just because you think others will think you weird or odd.
A. Body: Don't let aches and pains hold you down. Learn to listen to what your body needs and follow its advice. (This is coming along.)
B. Mind: Don't second-guess yourself too much. A healthy dose of skepticism is good, but not when it becomes a barrier to trying new things or doing what
you love. (This is changing as well, thank God!)
C. Spirit: Pray about the things you want to do with your life. Pray with boldness and humility, always asking God that "Thy will be done" in all things. (I am trying to do this, though I think I've just begun to figure out what it is I want.)
5. Live in a more mindful way. Live in the moment.
A. Body: Remember that you live in this body and that it is the place from which you interact with the world. Treat it with respect and dignity and use
it to reflect your inner self. (This needs work, but then so does the inner self.)
B. Mind: Think about your blessings more than about your woes. Be grateful whenever possible and remember that life only sucks if you say it does. Even
if bad things come, let them come and deal with them, but don't let them colour the rest of your life. (I think this is starting to happen. It's a good way to be!)
C. Spirit: Thank God every time you wake up in the morning and every time you go to bed at night. Thank Him for everything, because everything is a lesson
and a blessing, even if it comes in the disguise of a misfortune. Own your emotions but don't let them own you. Never go to bed angry! (This needs work, but I'm always trying to work on it.)
6. Learn to let go.
A. Body: Learn to let go of cravings, addictions and other things which hold you down, but don't deprive yourself too much. Also, de-clutter your life
and get rid of unused and unnecessary stuff. (This is beginning to happen. I'm learning to value physical things a little differently than I did, and except in rare cases, the value is lessening over time.)
B. Mind: Learn to let go of the past and negative attitudes about yourself. Embrace change. (This sounds so self-help-ish, but it's really true! Be the change you want to see in the world is what Gandhi said, and I think he's right.)
C. Spirit: Learn to forgive those whom you must forgive and don't hold grudges. (This is definitely beginning to happen, and it's a freeing feeling when you can let stuff like that go. Still, it's always difficult.)
7. Lead a more ordered life.
A. Body: Take care of your body as though it were something sacred, because it is. Also, let it live in a peace-promoting and ordered environment. (My environment ordered? Likely never in a million years! However, the chaos is being controlled a little better than it has been, so that's a good thing.)
B. Mind: Calm your thoughts and try to let them flow in a more ordered way. This isn't about logic so much as it is about calmness. (This is beginning to happen. There are many times when I am able to set my emotions (anger generally) aside and let my mind look at something logically and calmly. Unfortunately, the angry outburst still comes first, so this must be dealt with.)
C. Spirit: Don't neglect your spiritual joy. Order your day to promote this. (Yeah. This isn't happening so much in a consistent way, but I know that when it does happen, I am better, less prone to depressive episodes and such.)
8. Make every day an adventure.
A. Body: Get directly out of bed when the alarm goes off in the morning. Arm yourself as though you were going on a quest. Each day is a new adventure,
so act like it. (Totally needs work!!!)
B. Mind: Think of your day in terms of things you get to do rather than things you have to do. Even if they are have-tos, think of them in a more adventurous
way. (This is starting to happen, and it really does make a difference!)
C. Spirit: Don't be afraid to dream a little. Think of new and exciting things around every corner. (Sometimes I think I dream too much, but some of those dreams have come true this year, so perhaps dreaming isn't such a bad thing after all.)
9. Be moderate in all things.
A. Body: Remember that too much of anything can be as bad as too little. Make sure your body doesn't betray you. Treat money in a more mindful and moderate
way. (Still need to work on the body. It seems to demand a balance and when I misuse that balance, it tells me so in no uncertain terms. Money, however, is becoming less of a concern.)
B. Mind: Remember that the middle way is the best. Never let passions trump responsibilities, and never let responsibilities deaden passions. Manage time
appropriately. (This is starting to happen as well. Glory to God!)
C. Spirit: Never forget God in all this self-exploration. Never think yourself on firm footing. Always be journeying towards holiness and remember that
falling and getting up again is a part of life. (By "holiness," I mean healthiness. I mean salvation. I mean becoming a whole person at last. This is the journey I want to be on, and I am trying every day to be on it. However, though the road is straight, the destination is not really a destination. I think Lao Tsu said it best: "A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arrival." If I can let Christ steer my little boat and simply address myself to the rowing, then I know He'll lead me right.)
So, I feel that these resolutions still hold water and are sound, and since they still need work, there's no reason to get rid of them or make any new ones. However, I will say that when I began this blog, I never expected to find that in less than a year of doing this conscious journey both into and out of myself, I would have found a person who has the potential to be a true partner in life. It seems odd to say this even now, but when it's right, it's right, and you know it. I think God is basically breathing a sigh of relief right now that we two have finally cut through all the other stuff and found each other at last! At least, I can see Him being relieved on my part, since I seem to make a career out of running away from the obvious joys in life. "There's no place like home," Dorothy said as she clicked her heels and returned from Oz, and I believe this as well. Sometimes our homes are physical places, sometimes they are family and friends, and sometimes, just sometimes, they are found in the connection between you and another person. I've secretly longed for this for a long time, and I think, God willing and all other things being equal, I've found it!
So, the journey continues, but it is not a solitary one. Indeed, it was never truly solitary, but it feels as though I've gotten a great big "Amen!" from God that I'm heading on the right track. So, I will say as I close this entry on the first day of 2013,
Deo, O Deo Gratias!!!
It is, yet again, a new year, and while this blog has a few months to go before it reaches its first anniversary, I feel it necessary to go back to the beginning of things and to see where I am now.
I began this blog as a way to find true and sacred joy in my life. It is supposed to be based on the premmice that true joy is only found through both gratitude and charity, through thankfulness and sacrifice. I have based this on the Eucharist: our offering of simple things to Christ and His changing those simple things into glorious and new creations by His grace! Whether you yourself celebrate Communion as a sacrament or not, I think we can all agree that the core of Christian life ought to be the gradual changing of our hearts, souls, minds and even our bodies into something better than we currently are. Christ came not to destroy, but to fulfil. However, he also came not with peace, but with a sword, and this sword is designed to cut away the bonds that hold us down: and really, all these passions, sins, vices, selfish desires, etc., all boil down to addiction of one sort or another. Whether we are addicted to food, to praise, to revenge, to things, to lust, it is all about the constant need to have what we had before and the diminishing return on the pleasure that this repetition causes.
So, I began this blog as a way to both discover the bonds holding me from the fullness of Christ's joy and also to look for ways to begin to free myself. I do believe the old saying that "There may be fairies, there may be elves, but God helps those who help themselves." One has to actually make an effort to move forward, and I feel that in some small way, I have done this. So, I will present the resolutions I made when beginning this journey of mine, and will now discuss how far I have come with each. Needless to say, much work has still to be done.
This is based on the book: The Happiness Project, by Grechen Reubens.
Journey Toward Joy
Method: This journey toward joywill be cyclical. It will not have any specific time-limit, but it will be ongoing.
Materials needed: computer for blogging, exercise equipment, books to read, ideas for writing, musical instruments and ways to use them successfully, friends,
family and anything else which may come up in the process.
Hypothesis: I can live joyfully if I choose to do so. If I do things which bring my deep self joy, I will be able to calm all the little desires of my
more superficial ego
Resolutions: Nine resolutions, each with three aspects.
1. Become more energetic.
A. Body: go to bed earlier and at a regular time and wake up earlier and at a regular time. Exercise and eat better. (Still needs work, but always trying.)
B. Mind: Watch less TV, preferably no more than an hour or so a day. Read when possible and write as much as possible. (Still needs tonnes of work!)
Spirit: Pray regularly and observe the calendar of the church as to season, fast or feast, and any other thing that must be observed. Also, enjoy the natural
world as much as possible. (You guessed it: still! needs! work!)
2. Cultivate relationships.
A. Body: Don't be afraid of the phone and make efforts to visit people more often. (Have done this to some extent, but, say it with me! Still needs work!)
B. Mind: Think of people on their birthdays and other special days and remember to talk to them on those days. (This has been done to largely good effect and will be continued to be observed.)
C. Pray for individuals by name and also listen to them when they speak, because they can be teachers. (Needs work, but has begun to happen.)
3. Develop talents of writing and music.
A. Body: Make time in the day to play music and to write stories and/or poetry. Perhaps find a writing course or a writing group to be a part of. Also
play music in public and market the cd more. (Music thing needs work, but have managed to begin a really good novel which I think would be worth publishing. Also completed the National Novel-writing Month contest for the first time in my three or four years participating. Also, I did enter the international song-writing contest earlier this year and have joined a few sites designed to market the music to a wider audience.)
B. Mind: Think of yourself as a writer and a musician. Learn to be these things in earnest and if this means doing these things professionally, then find
ways to make it happen. (This is really coming along. I am learning not to be afraid of my Bohemian side and to embrace it. I think this will lead to good things.)
C. Spirit: Stop feeling guilty that you have the talents that you have. Let them exist and grow as they will, while all the while thanking God that you
have them in the first place. Also, pay it forward. If you learn things about music and/or writing that will help other people, pass them on. (This too is beginning to change, though guilt about good things in my life will be an ongoing struggle I think.)
4. Become more passionate about life. Don't procrastinate or deny yourself joy just because you think others will think you weird or odd.
A. Body: Don't let aches and pains hold you down. Learn to listen to what your body needs and follow its advice. (This is coming along.)
B. Mind: Don't second-guess yourself too much. A healthy dose of skepticism is good, but not when it becomes a barrier to trying new things or doing what
you love. (This is changing as well, thank God!)
C. Spirit: Pray about the things you want to do with your life. Pray with boldness and humility, always asking God that "Thy will be done" in all things. (I am trying to do this, though I think I've just begun to figure out what it is I want.)
5. Live in a more mindful way. Live in the moment.
A. Body: Remember that you live in this body and that it is the place from which you interact with the world. Treat it with respect and dignity and use
it to reflect your inner self. (This needs work, but then so does the inner self.)
B. Mind: Think about your blessings more than about your woes. Be grateful whenever possible and remember that life only sucks if you say it does. Even
if bad things come, let them come and deal with them, but don't let them colour the rest of your life. (I think this is starting to happen. It's a good way to be!)
C. Spirit: Thank God every time you wake up in the morning and every time you go to bed at night. Thank Him for everything, because everything is a lesson
and a blessing, even if it comes in the disguise of a misfortune. Own your emotions but don't let them own you. Never go to bed angry! (This needs work, but I'm always trying to work on it.)
6. Learn to let go.
A. Body: Learn to let go of cravings, addictions and other things which hold you down, but don't deprive yourself too much. Also, de-clutter your life
and get rid of unused and unnecessary stuff. (This is beginning to happen. I'm learning to value physical things a little differently than I did, and except in rare cases, the value is lessening over time.)
B. Mind: Learn to let go of the past and negative attitudes about yourself. Embrace change. (This sounds so self-help-ish, but it's really true! Be the change you want to see in the world is what Gandhi said, and I think he's right.)
C. Spirit: Learn to forgive those whom you must forgive and don't hold grudges. (This is definitely beginning to happen, and it's a freeing feeling when you can let stuff like that go. Still, it's always difficult.)
7. Lead a more ordered life.
A. Body: Take care of your body as though it were something sacred, because it is. Also, let it live in a peace-promoting and ordered environment. (My environment ordered? Likely never in a million years! However, the chaos is being controlled a little better than it has been, so that's a good thing.)
B. Mind: Calm your thoughts and try to let them flow in a more ordered way. This isn't about logic so much as it is about calmness. (This is beginning to happen. There are many times when I am able to set my emotions (anger generally) aside and let my mind look at something logically and calmly. Unfortunately, the angry outburst still comes first, so this must be dealt with.)
C. Spirit: Don't neglect your spiritual joy. Order your day to promote this. (Yeah. This isn't happening so much in a consistent way, but I know that when it does happen, I am better, less prone to depressive episodes and such.)
8. Make every day an adventure.
A. Body: Get directly out of bed when the alarm goes off in the morning. Arm yourself as though you were going on a quest. Each day is a new adventure,
so act like it. (Totally needs work!!!)
B. Mind: Think of your day in terms of things you get to do rather than things you have to do. Even if they are have-tos, think of them in a more adventurous
way. (This is starting to happen, and it really does make a difference!)
C. Spirit: Don't be afraid to dream a little. Think of new and exciting things around every corner. (Sometimes I think I dream too much, but some of those dreams have come true this year, so perhaps dreaming isn't such a bad thing after all.)
9. Be moderate in all things.
A. Body: Remember that too much of anything can be as bad as too little. Make sure your body doesn't betray you. Treat money in a more mindful and moderate
way. (Still need to work on the body. It seems to demand a balance and when I misuse that balance, it tells me so in no uncertain terms. Money, however, is becoming less of a concern.)
B. Mind: Remember that the middle way is the best. Never let passions trump responsibilities, and never let responsibilities deaden passions. Manage time
appropriately. (This is starting to happen as well. Glory to God!)
C. Spirit: Never forget God in all this self-exploration. Never think yourself on firm footing. Always be journeying towards holiness and remember that
falling and getting up again is a part of life. (By "holiness," I mean healthiness. I mean salvation. I mean becoming a whole person at last. This is the journey I want to be on, and I am trying every day to be on it. However, though the road is straight, the destination is not really a destination. I think Lao Tsu said it best: "A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arrival." If I can let Christ steer my little boat and simply address myself to the rowing, then I know He'll lead me right.)
So, I feel that these resolutions still hold water and are sound, and since they still need work, there's no reason to get rid of them or make any new ones. However, I will say that when I began this blog, I never expected to find that in less than a year of doing this conscious journey both into and out of myself, I would have found a person who has the potential to be a true partner in life. It seems odd to say this even now, but when it's right, it's right, and you know it. I think God is basically breathing a sigh of relief right now that we two have finally cut through all the other stuff and found each other at last! At least, I can see Him being relieved on my part, since I seem to make a career out of running away from the obvious joys in life. "There's no place like home," Dorothy said as she clicked her heels and returned from Oz, and I believe this as well. Sometimes our homes are physical places, sometimes they are family and friends, and sometimes, just sometimes, they are found in the connection between you and another person. I've secretly longed for this for a long time, and I think, God willing and all other things being equal, I've found it!
So, the journey continues, but it is not a solitary one. Indeed, it was never truly solitary, but it feels as though I've gotten a great big "Amen!" from God that I'm heading on the right track. So, I will say as I close this entry on the first day of 2013,
Deo, O Deo Gratias!!!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Troll The Ancient Yuletide Carol!
Benedicamus Domino!
Well, today is as near as makes no matter to the date of the Winter Solstice, when the sun is the farthest away from the earth, causing both the shortest day and the longest night of the year. I have celebrated it in my time as the ancient fire-festival of Yule. The yule-log was burned at this time during the longest night to keep vigil and to wait for the new day's dawning, for if the sun returned after this longest of nights, then people knew that spring would indeed come again. Of course, when I celebrated it, we had no fears for the longest night as often did the ancient Germanic peoples, for instance, but we still met in fellowship and in good cheer and toasted the new birth of the sun. We spoke our hopes and cast our fears and past sorrows into the fire. We looked forward to the lengthening of the days and the coming of the new spring. It was wonderful!
It is often said that the feast of Christmas was instituted at a similar time of year in order to eclipse Solstice festivals like Yule and to stamp out idolatry and demonic worship. I do not doubt that the timing of Christmas was not a mere coincidence, but was it truly an attempt to stamp out idolatry? First, I'm not completely certain of this, but I believe that when Christmas was established as a feast in the Christian calendar, no Christian could ever have moved the Roman state to do anything in favour of Christ and against its own religion. Christians were being killed at this time and were also being relieved of their careers and ranks and such if they were openly Christian. The Roman religion too at this time was little more than a public observance, and denying it would have meant that you were in revolt against the state. It was a citizen's civic duty to attend the various ceremonies.
And what about the Germanic and Celtic and other people for whom their worship was more than public formalism? Well, Christians did go among them, it's true, but except in very rare cases (St. Boniface cutting down sacred trees comes to mind,) they tended not to simply uproot the peoples' beliefs and plant their own in their place. Anyone who's done that has ended up with a pretty dead religion and very little faith among those they have tried to convert whole-cloth. Instead, a slow process went on, where Christianity and the indigenous faiths were sort of adapted to each other. I don't exactly mean syncretism, but it was amazing how so much of Christianity seemed to be the fulfilment of the beliefs of these people, and I only say this because I myself have experienced this firsthand! The problems come when everything that is not Christ is ipso facto demonized and made to be evil! How can an honouring of the seasons be evil? It isn't Christian, perhaps, but it is people trying to make sense of their world. I have come to the belief that Christ's birth is the fulfilment of the dawn after the longest night of the year, but does that mean that I demand that others believe this too? No! That sort of belief can only come by experience. I will say that it came to me almost against my will, though. It just came and washed over me and that was that, but that was God's doing and did not come at my or any other's asking. For me, though Christ is the baby in the manger, He is also the uncontainable and uncircumscribable God come in the form of man to bring new light to our darkened world. Surely other Pagan people had this same experience! Surely they were not simply herded into churches and made to abandon their bonfires and evergreen boughs! Surely not! Surely they themselves brought their boughs to be blessed and to honour the infant Christ, having sensed Him as the Truth even as I did.
I know that it is difficult for those of other faiths to deal with this season called Christmas. I've heard people describe a "war on Christmas" going on. They cite Christian privelege in the face of their own beliefs, but at least they live in a land where they aren't being killed or taken from their families and imprisoned for what they believe. This must be remembered! As for me, I think that much of Christmas has become about family and gifts and not about Christ, but do I think that all this should be banished? No. It is what it is, and though I wish the consumerism was less, it isn't likely to change any time soon. It is our new public religion, after all, and Santa Claus is our new Sol Invictus! Ah well! So goes the world, I suppose.
However, the light still burns in many forms. There is still hope left. So, on this night of Yule and for this season of many holy days, may all have the best things in life and truly experience hope and joy!
Deo Gratias!
Well, today is as near as makes no matter to the date of the Winter Solstice, when the sun is the farthest away from the earth, causing both the shortest day and the longest night of the year. I have celebrated it in my time as the ancient fire-festival of Yule. The yule-log was burned at this time during the longest night to keep vigil and to wait for the new day's dawning, for if the sun returned after this longest of nights, then people knew that spring would indeed come again. Of course, when I celebrated it, we had no fears for the longest night as often did the ancient Germanic peoples, for instance, but we still met in fellowship and in good cheer and toasted the new birth of the sun. We spoke our hopes and cast our fears and past sorrows into the fire. We looked forward to the lengthening of the days and the coming of the new spring. It was wonderful!
It is often said that the feast of Christmas was instituted at a similar time of year in order to eclipse Solstice festivals like Yule and to stamp out idolatry and demonic worship. I do not doubt that the timing of Christmas was not a mere coincidence, but was it truly an attempt to stamp out idolatry? First, I'm not completely certain of this, but I believe that when Christmas was established as a feast in the Christian calendar, no Christian could ever have moved the Roman state to do anything in favour of Christ and against its own religion. Christians were being killed at this time and were also being relieved of their careers and ranks and such if they were openly Christian. The Roman religion too at this time was little more than a public observance, and denying it would have meant that you were in revolt against the state. It was a citizen's civic duty to attend the various ceremonies.
And what about the Germanic and Celtic and other people for whom their worship was more than public formalism? Well, Christians did go among them, it's true, but except in very rare cases (St. Boniface cutting down sacred trees comes to mind,) they tended not to simply uproot the peoples' beliefs and plant their own in their place. Anyone who's done that has ended up with a pretty dead religion and very little faith among those they have tried to convert whole-cloth. Instead, a slow process went on, where Christianity and the indigenous faiths were sort of adapted to each other. I don't exactly mean syncretism, but it was amazing how so much of Christianity seemed to be the fulfilment of the beliefs of these people, and I only say this because I myself have experienced this firsthand! The problems come when everything that is not Christ is ipso facto demonized and made to be evil! How can an honouring of the seasons be evil? It isn't Christian, perhaps, but it is people trying to make sense of their world. I have come to the belief that Christ's birth is the fulfilment of the dawn after the longest night of the year, but does that mean that I demand that others believe this too? No! That sort of belief can only come by experience. I will say that it came to me almost against my will, though. It just came and washed over me and that was that, but that was God's doing and did not come at my or any other's asking. For me, though Christ is the baby in the manger, He is also the uncontainable and uncircumscribable God come in the form of man to bring new light to our darkened world. Surely other Pagan people had this same experience! Surely they were not simply herded into churches and made to abandon their bonfires and evergreen boughs! Surely not! Surely they themselves brought their boughs to be blessed and to honour the infant Christ, having sensed Him as the Truth even as I did.
I know that it is difficult for those of other faiths to deal with this season called Christmas. I've heard people describe a "war on Christmas" going on. They cite Christian privelege in the face of their own beliefs, but at least they live in a land where they aren't being killed or taken from their families and imprisoned for what they believe. This must be remembered! As for me, I think that much of Christmas has become about family and gifts and not about Christ, but do I think that all this should be banished? No. It is what it is, and though I wish the consumerism was less, it isn't likely to change any time soon. It is our new public religion, after all, and Santa Claus is our new Sol Invictus! Ah well! So goes the world, I suppose.
However, the light still burns in many forms. There is still hope left. So, on this night of Yule and for this season of many holy days, may all have the best things in life and truly experience hope and joy!
Deo Gratias!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Unexpected Joys!
Benedicamus Domino!
I had a very different entry planned for this evening's musing, but something small has just happened in the last few minutes which simply demands treatment in this blog. It all began with iTunes and a search for a long lost album which I once charished though I never owned it. This album was the original cast recording of Amahl and the Night Visitors, an operetta staged for television in the 1950s and composed by Gian Carlo Menotti. It tells the story of a young shepherd boy somewhere in the east who encounters three strange visitors at his door. They turn out to be kings bearing gifts to a mysterious child for whom they are looking. It is a rather simplistic tale, somewhat moralistic but also miraculous, and well, when I was ten and heard this music and those words, I began to know a little of the true nature of Christ and of His Incarnation!
To have this album is a true joy to me, though it seems but a small thing. It brings back a little of the wonder I always used to feel at this time of year, and though that wonder was tinged with expectation of presents under the tree, once I had heard Amahl, it forever broadened into a deeper kind of wonder: the wonder of a babe born in a manger who contained within his small body the vastness of the Creator of all things!
Joys do arise in very unexpected ways at times, and for this small fount and many larger springs which have arisen in my seemingly barren and thirsty heart of late, I say a fervent and heartfelt,
Deo, O Deo! Gratias!
I had a very different entry planned for this evening's musing, but something small has just happened in the last few minutes which simply demands treatment in this blog. It all began with iTunes and a search for a long lost album which I once charished though I never owned it. This album was the original cast recording of Amahl and the Night Visitors, an operetta staged for television in the 1950s and composed by Gian Carlo Menotti. It tells the story of a young shepherd boy somewhere in the east who encounters three strange visitors at his door. They turn out to be kings bearing gifts to a mysterious child for whom they are looking. It is a rather simplistic tale, somewhat moralistic but also miraculous, and well, when I was ten and heard this music and those words, I began to know a little of the true nature of Christ and of His Incarnation!
To have this album is a true joy to me, though it seems but a small thing. It brings back a little of the wonder I always used to feel at this time of year, and though that wonder was tinged with expectation of presents under the tree, once I had heard Amahl, it forever broadened into a deeper kind of wonder: the wonder of a babe born in a manger who contained within his small body the vastness of the Creator of all things!
Joys do arise in very unexpected ways at times, and for this small fount and many larger springs which have arisen in my seemingly barren and thirsty heart of late, I say a fervent and heartfelt,
Deo, O Deo! Gratias!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Thoughts upon The Feast of St. Catherine!
Benedicamus Domino!
Today on the Julian Calendar is actually November 25, the feast-day of St. Catherine of Alexandria. She is one of the saints whom I take as a model, for though she was educated in the best Roman fashion, she was also a devout Christian and was able to outwit some of the finest philosophers in Alexandria with both her intellect and God's grace. Of course, one could say that her intellect was also a kind of grace which, when leavened by the Holy Spirit's wisdom, became a true force to be reckoned with. Our treasure is hidden in earthen vessels, as St. Paul says, but I think it is for us to make sure that this treasure does not remain hidden. Whatever talent we have should be nurtured and used for the betterment of our fellow-beings and should always be used, as far as possible, in truth and love.
For me, this was the day, seven years ago, when I made the decision to enter an Orthodox church as more than a casual observer for the first time. I began to make travel-plans for the following Sunday, and I can recall even now the joy which welled up inside me when I realized that things in my life were coming full circle in what could only be a God-inspired and blessed way. While I was contemplating my coming pilgrimage, (from Kitchener to Hamilton by bus on a Sunday morning really was a pilgrimage!) I also read the story of St. Catherine, and I realized then and there that I could be what I was: an educated woman of my own time, but also a pious Christian, and from then on, I worked very hard to achieve that goal. I've had a few setbacks over the years, and these were due to my own zeal occasionally pushing me to let go of things unnecessarily, but I think I am finally learning to be who I must be. I don't think I could outwit philosophers or anything, but I do hope that I have the courage to speak truth to power or even to another human soul when it is needed.
December has often been a time of realization for me. In December of 1999, I found myself a Pagan hardly knowing how I got there. In December of 2005, I literally fell in love with Orthodox Christianity. I recall walking around my university campus actually day-dreaming about what it would be like to be in an Orthodox church with all the music and the swinging of the censor and such. I had experienced Orthodox churches before though only in a limited way, and it's true that I didn't even really know what to expect at the church I was going to attend, but I still was captivated by the thought that something which had been on the edge of my life off and on for so many years was now coming closer to its centre. I've written before about this so I'll not go into it now, but suffice it to say that I have a really good friend who is Orthodox and it was really because of her that I found my way there too eventually, and on that long-ago Feast of St. Catherine, I remember being in sheer awe of how life had led me, little by little, to what I had always wanted but had never seen clearly.
Now, I am having a similar time of realization and I am again planning a trip, but this time, it is a trip not to a church, but to someone's house. I am going in a few days to see someone who has very rapidly become important in my life, and our connection seems equally God-inspired and circular. I have long held a belief about my life that there are things in it which conform to its true pattern and there are other things which are just not right. This doesn't always have to do with whether the events are positive or negative, for there have been some negative events which I cannot help but view as being right and proper for me to have experienced. Well, just as Orthodox Christianity showed up in a very right and proper way, so this man has done, and to whatever end our new connection will lead, I feel it necessary to explore it to its fullest potential. For me to say this takes a great deal of courage, especially since there is a long-distance aspect to things which can be a little problematic, but I do find that being online allows for a more ongoing contact than used to happen when one only had the phone.
I'm writing about this here because it was my intention when starting this journey toward joy to open up more and to connect with people, to allow people to impact on my life in a more meaningful way rather than closing myself off to all drama and all danger while at the same time closing myself off to happiness. I have lived a rather solitary life even among crowds, and I know that this is pretty much all my doing. The time has come to fix that, to venture beyond the narrow limits of my money-changing hole, as Marley's ghost would have it, and to make mankind and certain members of that strange and wonderful collection of personalities my business once again. While I hope I could never become so jaded and cynical as Scroodge, I certainly have been known to walk through the crowded paths of life with my eyes cast down, but that is not what I'm called to do as a Christian or even as a person living among people in this world. So, here goes nothing! I'm lifting my head and looking about me, and you know what? Even with all its sham and drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world, not least due to the fact that Mike wishes to see me just as much as I wish to see him and that we are both completely open to the possibilities that life may afford for a deeper and more lasting connection. For this and for so many things lately, I say:
Deo Gratias!
Today on the Julian Calendar is actually November 25, the feast-day of St. Catherine of Alexandria. She is one of the saints whom I take as a model, for though she was educated in the best Roman fashion, she was also a devout Christian and was able to outwit some of the finest philosophers in Alexandria with both her intellect and God's grace. Of course, one could say that her intellect was also a kind of grace which, when leavened by the Holy Spirit's wisdom, became a true force to be reckoned with. Our treasure is hidden in earthen vessels, as St. Paul says, but I think it is for us to make sure that this treasure does not remain hidden. Whatever talent we have should be nurtured and used for the betterment of our fellow-beings and should always be used, as far as possible, in truth and love.
For me, this was the day, seven years ago, when I made the decision to enter an Orthodox church as more than a casual observer for the first time. I began to make travel-plans for the following Sunday, and I can recall even now the joy which welled up inside me when I realized that things in my life were coming full circle in what could only be a God-inspired and blessed way. While I was contemplating my coming pilgrimage, (from Kitchener to Hamilton by bus on a Sunday morning really was a pilgrimage!) I also read the story of St. Catherine, and I realized then and there that I could be what I was: an educated woman of my own time, but also a pious Christian, and from then on, I worked very hard to achieve that goal. I've had a few setbacks over the years, and these were due to my own zeal occasionally pushing me to let go of things unnecessarily, but I think I am finally learning to be who I must be. I don't think I could outwit philosophers or anything, but I do hope that I have the courage to speak truth to power or even to another human soul when it is needed.
December has often been a time of realization for me. In December of 1999, I found myself a Pagan hardly knowing how I got there. In December of 2005, I literally fell in love with Orthodox Christianity. I recall walking around my university campus actually day-dreaming about what it would be like to be in an Orthodox church with all the music and the swinging of the censor and such. I had experienced Orthodox churches before though only in a limited way, and it's true that I didn't even really know what to expect at the church I was going to attend, but I still was captivated by the thought that something which had been on the edge of my life off and on for so many years was now coming closer to its centre. I've written before about this so I'll not go into it now, but suffice it to say that I have a really good friend who is Orthodox and it was really because of her that I found my way there too eventually, and on that long-ago Feast of St. Catherine, I remember being in sheer awe of how life had led me, little by little, to what I had always wanted but had never seen clearly.
Now, I am having a similar time of realization and I am again planning a trip, but this time, it is a trip not to a church, but to someone's house. I am going in a few days to see someone who has very rapidly become important in my life, and our connection seems equally God-inspired and circular. I have long held a belief about my life that there are things in it which conform to its true pattern and there are other things which are just not right. This doesn't always have to do with whether the events are positive or negative, for there have been some negative events which I cannot help but view as being right and proper for me to have experienced. Well, just as Orthodox Christianity showed up in a very right and proper way, so this man has done, and to whatever end our new connection will lead, I feel it necessary to explore it to its fullest potential. For me to say this takes a great deal of courage, especially since there is a long-distance aspect to things which can be a little problematic, but I do find that being online allows for a more ongoing contact than used to happen when one only had the phone.
I'm writing about this here because it was my intention when starting this journey toward joy to open up more and to connect with people, to allow people to impact on my life in a more meaningful way rather than closing myself off to all drama and all danger while at the same time closing myself off to happiness. I have lived a rather solitary life even among crowds, and I know that this is pretty much all my doing. The time has come to fix that, to venture beyond the narrow limits of my money-changing hole, as Marley's ghost would have it, and to make mankind and certain members of that strange and wonderful collection of personalities my business once again. While I hope I could never become so jaded and cynical as Scroodge, I certainly have been known to walk through the crowded paths of life with my eyes cast down, but that is not what I'm called to do as a Christian or even as a person living among people in this world. So, here goes nothing! I'm lifting my head and looking about me, and you know what? Even with all its sham and drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world, not least due to the fact that Mike wishes to see me just as much as I wish to see him and that we are both completely open to the possibilities that life may afford for a deeper and more lasting connection. For this and for so many things lately, I say:
Deo Gratias!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Surrendering to Divine Synurgy: The Art of Saying "Amen!"
Benedicamus Domino!
In Orthodox Christian thought, much is made of the word "synurgy." God's working in the world is called "synurgistic" by many of the great philosophers and thinkers of the church, by which they mean that He requires a response from us in order for His will to be accomplished in us and in the world. This word literally means "working together," and when compared with some of the more recent ideas posited about God, say in the last three or four hundred years for instance, it presents a radical paradigm-shift when encountered by the modern western mind, or at least it did when encountered by this modern western mind. There was a time when the notion of submitting to God's will was abhorrant to me. It seemed to mean that I had to lay all the most interesting parts of myself aside in favour of a very narrow and circumscribed existance. I was to be a good little child and do what I was told. I am uncertain as to the origin of this idea in my life, but it stood there, stark and unmoving, like a gaunt and terrible spectre which sought to cast its shadow over my dreams, hopes and imaginings in a manner which would render me nothing more than a simple and dutiful pawn in some game of cosmic Chess. Indeed, God was for me in those days something of a tyrant, a guardian of moral absolutes which seemed untenable in the world in which I found myself.
These thoughts were with me at the time when I was rediscovering my need for Christ while at the same time being repulsed by what seemed a necessary act of submition in which I must cut away parts of myself simply because they seemed not to fit the ideal model of Christianity that I saw around me. A part of the reason for this repulsion had to do with the fact that I was returning to a faith which I had abandoned out of a sense that I was unworthy of it. I had left Christianity in favour of earth-based spirituality because I felt that I was unable to conform to what God was asking of me. I felt that perfection of belief was imperative and that if I doubted too much, then I obviously was doing something wrong, and therefore I had to find another way to live in this world. I knew that God existed on some level, but I felt that He was too high and far away for me to reach. How I could do this given my belief in Christ is unimaginable to me now, but we shall come to why it is so unimaginable later. Suffice it to say that I am now a committed Christian and cannot--simply would not be able to--change this commitment for anything!
So, there I was, a woman caught between two seemingly opposing forces: myself and what I perceived as God's will. It is true that there are times when our selfish desires do oppose God's will. In fact, this is the story of fallen man and the reason why Christ was needed to help us find our way home. However, what I had failed to take into account was the notion of synurgy as expressed in the teachings and worship of the Orthodox Church. To reiterate that notion then, I will state that before God's will can truly be accomplished in us and in the world, there must be a willingness on our part to assist and to say "amen" to God's desire, because that is what His will is until we agree to allow it to prosper: a desire, a wish, a hope that we will go in the direction that He sees will be right for us. He, of course, is quite willing and capable of letting us have our own desires. He can bring good out of those as well, but what He seeks from us is an openness, an acceptance that He is wiser than we are and sees more of us than we can see at present. Of course, there is fear which comes with this kind of acceptance. What will He turn us into? Will we lose ourselves? Will be become unrecognizable to our family and friends? Should we not be cautious and careful, preserving ourselves whole and intact before the consuming fire of God's love and transforming power?
I've had all these thoughts and continue to have them, but I have come to a realization, thanks to the concept of synurgy, that God does not want robots for His people. It is true that our initial response to Him is something like that of a servant, but He wants His servants to learn in their servitude to be more like Him and to eventually participate fully in His unique and boundless being. This does not mean being subsumed into a vast ocean of consciousness, but it does mean waking up to the cosmic reality that we are not separate and individual beings. "No man is an island, entire of itself," wrote the poet John Donne, and this would seem to be true from my experience, so that my journey toward God must necessarily affect others, even if it does so on a quantum level which I am incapable of perceiving. For an explanation of this, I turn to the example of Mary, the Mother of God. She was a simple girl who, according to traditional lore, spent much of her life secluded in the holy temple at Jerusalem and was betrothed to Joseph, a widower much older than herself and with children of his own. His thought, presumably, was that she would be an excellent wife to him and could bear him more children, but before this happened, an angel appeared to Mary and told her that God's will was for her to miraculously conceive and bear Christ, the incarnate Word of God. In a sense, we might say that Christ is the incarnate Will of God, since through God's word, His wil is enacted. Now, Mary had two options. She could have said no. She could have gone on her way and refused the angel's summons. However, being who she was and being open to God's presence in her life, she was able to say: "Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it unto me according to Thy Word!" She was, in fact, saying "amen," which in Hebrew simply means: "So be it." This set in motion a chain of events which led to Christ's death and resurrection, which in turn had a profound effect on the entire world, whether people see it or not.
I had often read the passage in Luke's gospel which recounts Mary's meeting with the angel Gabriel, and I had always simply looked at her action as a submissive and meek bowing to circumstances beyond her control. However, after I learned of the importance of synurgy, I reexamined this passage and realized that Mary had no idea what would be coming from this assent, whereas she knew quite well that if she had said no, her life would have proceeded presumably normally as most womens' lives did. God would have allowed her to have her desire, but it was only at her agreement and by her consent that the conception took place. She, therefore, was not a victim of spiritual rape, but a willing participant in something unknown and wonderful. In short, she was a very courageous woman who allowed herself to be the mortal mother of immortal Truth. She gave Christ the way to descend from His own mode of existance and to be with us. She is revered therefore in the Orthodox church as the uniter of earth with Heaven, the reconciler of humanity to God, the vessel containing the Creator. She, in essence, can be called in poetry the Holy Grail, because through her flesh and blood, Christ gained His flesh and blood and was able to show us the pathway to salvation.
This is another point on which I would like to touch. I spoke before of the perceived need to remain a whole and intact person in the face of God's demands upon us. I felt this very strongly at one time, but through the notion of synurgy, I realized that God's very purpose is to make me whole. It may take a lifetime and beyond to do it, but His ultimate plan is to mend me and to repare the broken and scattered bits of my soul, so that eventually this newly-healed soul may take its rightful place as sovereign over my brain and my body. The mind is a very wonderful thing, and it must be nurtured, but it can very easily be led astray and assume too much power over the whole person. This is also true of the body and its senses. I perhaps have less cause to fear my senses, since I lack the sense of sight and it seems to have the most immediate affect on one's moods and perceptions of all the senses, but my senses are still scattered and give me conflicting information, while the ideal is that all the senses should act in concert and under the direction of a soul in which God's will is freely flowing in synurgistic accord: a soul which perceives itself as a willing and glad handmaid of the Lord.
As God chose Mary to bear Christ, so He will cause to be born in us something wonderful and beyond telling if we are able to lay ourselves open to his guiding influence. As C. S. Lewis writes in The Screwtape Letters, "He (God) cannot ravish. He can only woo," and this is what God does. He whispers to us in a thousand little ways and in a million voices, and at every turn, we have the choice either to accept what He gives and what He wishes us to do, or to deny His will and to go our own way. But I believe that though parts of God's will for us may seem arduous and difficult and even incomprehensible, and though the imperfect world in which we live will continue to trip us up, God's will for us is that we experience the fullness of His boundless joy, a joy which cannot fade and which is not based on mere pleasure. Having tasted the tinyest bit of that joy, I know now that I cannot go back. I cannot view Christianity as something for the mind to wrestle with and to pin down in some logical framework. It is a thing which seems as lovely and as delicate as gossomer to the casual observer. It seems easily assaulted and brought to its knees, but to me, though it entered into me as beauty and wonder, it has stayed and grown into something strong, so that even if I fall, I know that God is there. Even if I doubt my faith, I know there will be a way out of that doubt. This is precisely because I know that I am unworthy of God's gifts to me. I cannot ever repay Him, but I know that He loves me, even as I am, and that His love demands that I scrape away the dust and debris of sin and self-satisfaction which clouds my soul from understanding Him. I know that my Redeemer liveth, but if asked how I know it, I cannot readily give an answer which would satisfy the human mind. I can't even satisfy my own mind as to how I know of God's presence, but I do know it. It is not a story I tell myself. It is a truth which I have come to see. It is not only the way that I make sense of a crazy world. It is not a mere sociological experiment or necessity. It is simply and solely true. God is God. I've seen nihilism. I've been through post-modernism, and that way lies madness and despair for me. Some say they find solace in the randomness and meaninglessness of events, stating that everyone's individual interpretation of what they see around them is always valid, simply because it is held by one person or group or culture. However, the world does not work like that. If it did, we wouldn't care that oppression went on. We would respect it as a valid way of living in the world and we would defend others' rights to practice it. Of course, most people don't defend what they perceive as injustice, and the moment they draw that line in the sand, they are imposing their sense of the world on another group of people, thereby defining what they think should be accepted and what they hope will become universal truth.
So, don't talk to me of post-modernity and the need to break the chains of some outmoded system or other, because in breaking those chains, we invariably create new ones. We are who we are. We have egos and are prone to passions which make it very difficult to truly accept each other as we are. Even those who talk about accepting homosexual people as they are and not trying to change them can at times be guilty of hypocrisy when a homosexual person or couple chooses to be less vocal and to simply live their lives without putting themselves on display to make a point. (I chose that example at random.) The point is that I have discovered that I need God in some fundamental way which has nothing to do with conforming to the standards of any societal norm. Indeed, my being the kind of Christian that I am makes me anathema to the prevailing culture, because while I do not believe that other faiths are simply evil for not being Christianity, I do believe that Christ is the fulfilment of all the truths I have learned during my life here. He is the clarification of everything that has gone before for me, though it would be impossible to convince anyone else of that simply by saying it. It is simply something that needs to be experienced, needs to be known as one might know the voice of a friend, and it can only be known by surrendering, by participating as wholly as possible in what God wants for us. Our lives must be a continual effort to say "amen" at every moment. That is what people we call holy do. They have developed an intimate relationship with God so that He is not now the angry and terrible moral guardian of the universe. Neither is He mushy and gushy, but they have learned to see Him as both mighty and power but also as a person, as a loving and just person who cares about the world which He has made and who weeps when injustices are done, and they have been able to put their trust in Him, to give their hearts to Him in a true and unreserved way. For the rest of us, there is a long way to go, but it can start with the simplest turning of the soul outward to help our neighbour, for if we cannot learn to see Christ in our fellow men, then we will never see Him truly as He is. Till next I write,
Deo Gratias!
In Orthodox Christian thought, much is made of the word "synurgy." God's working in the world is called "synurgistic" by many of the great philosophers and thinkers of the church, by which they mean that He requires a response from us in order for His will to be accomplished in us and in the world. This word literally means "working together," and when compared with some of the more recent ideas posited about God, say in the last three or four hundred years for instance, it presents a radical paradigm-shift when encountered by the modern western mind, or at least it did when encountered by this modern western mind. There was a time when the notion of submitting to God's will was abhorrant to me. It seemed to mean that I had to lay all the most interesting parts of myself aside in favour of a very narrow and circumscribed existance. I was to be a good little child and do what I was told. I am uncertain as to the origin of this idea in my life, but it stood there, stark and unmoving, like a gaunt and terrible spectre which sought to cast its shadow over my dreams, hopes and imaginings in a manner which would render me nothing more than a simple and dutiful pawn in some game of cosmic Chess. Indeed, God was for me in those days something of a tyrant, a guardian of moral absolutes which seemed untenable in the world in which I found myself.
These thoughts were with me at the time when I was rediscovering my need for Christ while at the same time being repulsed by what seemed a necessary act of submition in which I must cut away parts of myself simply because they seemed not to fit the ideal model of Christianity that I saw around me. A part of the reason for this repulsion had to do with the fact that I was returning to a faith which I had abandoned out of a sense that I was unworthy of it. I had left Christianity in favour of earth-based spirituality because I felt that I was unable to conform to what God was asking of me. I felt that perfection of belief was imperative and that if I doubted too much, then I obviously was doing something wrong, and therefore I had to find another way to live in this world. I knew that God existed on some level, but I felt that He was too high and far away for me to reach. How I could do this given my belief in Christ is unimaginable to me now, but we shall come to why it is so unimaginable later. Suffice it to say that I am now a committed Christian and cannot--simply would not be able to--change this commitment for anything!
So, there I was, a woman caught between two seemingly opposing forces: myself and what I perceived as God's will. It is true that there are times when our selfish desires do oppose God's will. In fact, this is the story of fallen man and the reason why Christ was needed to help us find our way home. However, what I had failed to take into account was the notion of synurgy as expressed in the teachings and worship of the Orthodox Church. To reiterate that notion then, I will state that before God's will can truly be accomplished in us and in the world, there must be a willingness on our part to assist and to say "amen" to God's desire, because that is what His will is until we agree to allow it to prosper: a desire, a wish, a hope that we will go in the direction that He sees will be right for us. He, of course, is quite willing and capable of letting us have our own desires. He can bring good out of those as well, but what He seeks from us is an openness, an acceptance that He is wiser than we are and sees more of us than we can see at present. Of course, there is fear which comes with this kind of acceptance. What will He turn us into? Will we lose ourselves? Will be become unrecognizable to our family and friends? Should we not be cautious and careful, preserving ourselves whole and intact before the consuming fire of God's love and transforming power?
I've had all these thoughts and continue to have them, but I have come to a realization, thanks to the concept of synurgy, that God does not want robots for His people. It is true that our initial response to Him is something like that of a servant, but He wants His servants to learn in their servitude to be more like Him and to eventually participate fully in His unique and boundless being. This does not mean being subsumed into a vast ocean of consciousness, but it does mean waking up to the cosmic reality that we are not separate and individual beings. "No man is an island, entire of itself," wrote the poet John Donne, and this would seem to be true from my experience, so that my journey toward God must necessarily affect others, even if it does so on a quantum level which I am incapable of perceiving. For an explanation of this, I turn to the example of Mary, the Mother of God. She was a simple girl who, according to traditional lore, spent much of her life secluded in the holy temple at Jerusalem and was betrothed to Joseph, a widower much older than herself and with children of his own. His thought, presumably, was that she would be an excellent wife to him and could bear him more children, but before this happened, an angel appeared to Mary and told her that God's will was for her to miraculously conceive and bear Christ, the incarnate Word of God. In a sense, we might say that Christ is the incarnate Will of God, since through God's word, His wil is enacted. Now, Mary had two options. She could have said no. She could have gone on her way and refused the angel's summons. However, being who she was and being open to God's presence in her life, she was able to say: "Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it unto me according to Thy Word!" She was, in fact, saying "amen," which in Hebrew simply means: "So be it." This set in motion a chain of events which led to Christ's death and resurrection, which in turn had a profound effect on the entire world, whether people see it or not.
I had often read the passage in Luke's gospel which recounts Mary's meeting with the angel Gabriel, and I had always simply looked at her action as a submissive and meek bowing to circumstances beyond her control. However, after I learned of the importance of synurgy, I reexamined this passage and realized that Mary had no idea what would be coming from this assent, whereas she knew quite well that if she had said no, her life would have proceeded presumably normally as most womens' lives did. God would have allowed her to have her desire, but it was only at her agreement and by her consent that the conception took place. She, therefore, was not a victim of spiritual rape, but a willing participant in something unknown and wonderful. In short, she was a very courageous woman who allowed herself to be the mortal mother of immortal Truth. She gave Christ the way to descend from His own mode of existance and to be with us. She is revered therefore in the Orthodox church as the uniter of earth with Heaven, the reconciler of humanity to God, the vessel containing the Creator. She, in essence, can be called in poetry the Holy Grail, because through her flesh and blood, Christ gained His flesh and blood and was able to show us the pathway to salvation.
This is another point on which I would like to touch. I spoke before of the perceived need to remain a whole and intact person in the face of God's demands upon us. I felt this very strongly at one time, but through the notion of synurgy, I realized that God's very purpose is to make me whole. It may take a lifetime and beyond to do it, but His ultimate plan is to mend me and to repare the broken and scattered bits of my soul, so that eventually this newly-healed soul may take its rightful place as sovereign over my brain and my body. The mind is a very wonderful thing, and it must be nurtured, but it can very easily be led astray and assume too much power over the whole person. This is also true of the body and its senses. I perhaps have less cause to fear my senses, since I lack the sense of sight and it seems to have the most immediate affect on one's moods and perceptions of all the senses, but my senses are still scattered and give me conflicting information, while the ideal is that all the senses should act in concert and under the direction of a soul in which God's will is freely flowing in synurgistic accord: a soul which perceives itself as a willing and glad handmaid of the Lord.
As God chose Mary to bear Christ, so He will cause to be born in us something wonderful and beyond telling if we are able to lay ourselves open to his guiding influence. As C. S. Lewis writes in The Screwtape Letters, "He (God) cannot ravish. He can only woo," and this is what God does. He whispers to us in a thousand little ways and in a million voices, and at every turn, we have the choice either to accept what He gives and what He wishes us to do, or to deny His will and to go our own way. But I believe that though parts of God's will for us may seem arduous and difficult and even incomprehensible, and though the imperfect world in which we live will continue to trip us up, God's will for us is that we experience the fullness of His boundless joy, a joy which cannot fade and which is not based on mere pleasure. Having tasted the tinyest bit of that joy, I know now that I cannot go back. I cannot view Christianity as something for the mind to wrestle with and to pin down in some logical framework. It is a thing which seems as lovely and as delicate as gossomer to the casual observer. It seems easily assaulted and brought to its knees, but to me, though it entered into me as beauty and wonder, it has stayed and grown into something strong, so that even if I fall, I know that God is there. Even if I doubt my faith, I know there will be a way out of that doubt. This is precisely because I know that I am unworthy of God's gifts to me. I cannot ever repay Him, but I know that He loves me, even as I am, and that His love demands that I scrape away the dust and debris of sin and self-satisfaction which clouds my soul from understanding Him. I know that my Redeemer liveth, but if asked how I know it, I cannot readily give an answer which would satisfy the human mind. I can't even satisfy my own mind as to how I know of God's presence, but I do know it. It is not a story I tell myself. It is a truth which I have come to see. It is not only the way that I make sense of a crazy world. It is not a mere sociological experiment or necessity. It is simply and solely true. God is God. I've seen nihilism. I've been through post-modernism, and that way lies madness and despair for me. Some say they find solace in the randomness and meaninglessness of events, stating that everyone's individual interpretation of what they see around them is always valid, simply because it is held by one person or group or culture. However, the world does not work like that. If it did, we wouldn't care that oppression went on. We would respect it as a valid way of living in the world and we would defend others' rights to practice it. Of course, most people don't defend what they perceive as injustice, and the moment they draw that line in the sand, they are imposing their sense of the world on another group of people, thereby defining what they think should be accepted and what they hope will become universal truth.
So, don't talk to me of post-modernity and the need to break the chains of some outmoded system or other, because in breaking those chains, we invariably create new ones. We are who we are. We have egos and are prone to passions which make it very difficult to truly accept each other as we are. Even those who talk about accepting homosexual people as they are and not trying to change them can at times be guilty of hypocrisy when a homosexual person or couple chooses to be less vocal and to simply live their lives without putting themselves on display to make a point. (I chose that example at random.) The point is that I have discovered that I need God in some fundamental way which has nothing to do with conforming to the standards of any societal norm. Indeed, my being the kind of Christian that I am makes me anathema to the prevailing culture, because while I do not believe that other faiths are simply evil for not being Christianity, I do believe that Christ is the fulfilment of all the truths I have learned during my life here. He is the clarification of everything that has gone before for me, though it would be impossible to convince anyone else of that simply by saying it. It is simply something that needs to be experienced, needs to be known as one might know the voice of a friend, and it can only be known by surrendering, by participating as wholly as possible in what God wants for us. Our lives must be a continual effort to say "amen" at every moment. That is what people we call holy do. They have developed an intimate relationship with God so that He is not now the angry and terrible moral guardian of the universe. Neither is He mushy and gushy, but they have learned to see Him as both mighty and power but also as a person, as a loving and just person who cares about the world which He has made and who weeps when injustices are done, and they have been able to put their trust in Him, to give their hearts to Him in a true and unreserved way. For the rest of us, there is a long way to go, but it can start with the simplest turning of the soul outward to help our neighbour, for if we cannot learn to see Christ in our fellow men, then we will never see Him truly as He is. Till next I write,
Deo Gratias!
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